Scudfish

1. Children are physically smaller than grown-ups and can easily fit in to crawl spaces… Having them re-arrange the insulation in the attic of your house is both a useful and exciting endeavour. There are children’s full-body suits available for this very purpose in well-equipped home renovation stores. The suits will keep them safe from pollutants, and at the same time it will make them feel like it’s a ‘dress-up game’. This is an especially good job as it will also help kids get over issues such as: fear of the dark, fear of fluff that looks like insects and fear of noises that sound like ghosts or man-eating bears.
2. Do you have a messy garage? Kids have excellent eyesight and they can easily spot even the smallest piece of glass, and the tiniest of rusty nails. Children are also exceptionally agile so they can easily squeeze in pretty much anywhere, and behind anything. Their smaller arms and hands also make it easy for them to reach behind, and under tables and desks etc. To add some spice to the job — give them a bucket each and make it a competition. Whoever fills their bucket first won’t have to wax the car! You can make it even more challenging for them by making them compete in complete darkness.
3. Sooner or later children will have to learn how to use power tools. Why not have them build their own tree, or playhouse? In reality, the odds are minimal that they will lose a finger when using the circular saw. Also, the odds of going all the way through a hand with a power drill are almost astronomical! If they are afraid of heights when building a tree house, you can always challenge them to design their own safety harnesses first.

General Tao chicken… You are doing it wrong!

My life changed July 14, 1969, at 7am. That’s when I decided to have sexual relations with our neighbour’s lawn tractactor, just the way The Beatles had preached.

1. Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go — Wham!
2. Girls Just Want To Have Fun — Cyndi Lauper.
3. Billie Jean — Michael Jackson.
4. Never Gonna Give You Up — Rick Astley.
5. Footloose — Kenny Loggins.
6. Into The Groove — Madonna.
7. I’m So Excited — Pointer Sisters.
8. Take On Me — A-Ha.
9. Karma Chameleon — Culture Club.

I have a helmet… can’t stomp my head now!

I wasn’t a sexual sadist and psychopath; I just enjoyed freshly skinned dog, on my naked body.

1. Oysters are king! However, do wear gloves when shucking them! Nothing worse than being in a state of extreme arousal and having a deep laceration from a blunt oyster knife.
2. Supposedly Colgate toothpaste between a man’s toes will keep him “alert” for a very long time — it will also make his feet smell minty fresh! This however takes foresight as the toothpaste will take between 2 to 3 hours to take effect, but when it does… Oh, boy…
3. Sneaky women in parts of Africa (and more recently Japan and China) use a perfume (Swinkala) made with Marula fruit, fermented goat urine and spices. It is believed that the Swinkala will when placed on a woman skin increase the effect of her pheromones.
4. In many countries it’s believed that lying under the bed where it will all “happen”, and rubbing yourself all over with a ripe cantaloupes will do wonders for both parties.
5. Use cucumbers! No, not as marital aids, but as way to balance the fluids in your body. Men’s libido is often boosted by simply taken care of dehydration and hunger. Quickly eating 8 to 9 cucumbers will keep some men going for hours.

Just wait… I’m almost ready to kick your ass!

I hope to one day become an Olympic gymnast or to at least be featured in mixed-racial homo erotica.

1. Calista Flockhart.
2. Winona Ryder.
3. Lindsay Lohan.
4. Lara Flynn Boyle.
5. The Olsen Twins.