Scudfish

1. Dildo Faggins.
2. Bimbo Saggins.
3. Fatso Haggins.
4. Lotso Naggins.
5. Jumbo Gaggins.

It’s not cyber “sex” unless he who pretends to be a she reaches out and jerks you off at your desk.

(Being real is more satisfying)

Mom… Is this ok, thanks, bye?

1. Ferrari.
2. Oil tanker.
3. Zamboni.
4. Hot-air balloon.
5. Tank.
6. Space Shuttle.
7. Skateboard.
8. Ice cream truck.
9. Submarine.
10. Horse-drawn carriage. (I’m pretty sure that I haven’t… However, I have this vague memory of whipping a horse at last year’s St. Patrick’s Day parade. I can’t see why I would have been whipping a horse unless I was trying to put it in ‘drive’? But I’m not sure…)

Nobody will tell you that they were brutally anal probed three time unless they really believe it.

(Lies are not always lies)

Trump kitten plotting his move…

Even if the average angel only weighs 100 lbs. it would require at a lot of horsepower for him or her to reach any kind of serious height or speed in flight. Especially when you consider that one horsepower is defined as 500 ft.-lbs. per second, which is close to the power needed to lift 550 pounds one foot off the ground in exactly one second.

I gather than an average feathered angel has a wingspan of about 6 feet. When you add drag (air resistance) — from the wings themselves and especially from the big dress that they all wear into the equation, it’s starting to get seriously ridiculous… And any reference to angels that I have ever seen, have them flying more than one foot off the ground and for more than one second.

Feeding data such as weight, wingspan, and aerodynamics into a flight model shows that those wings have to flap at a minimum of 5500 - 7500 beats per second. That’s more than hundred times than what’s required to keep a Ruby-throated colibri hovering!

Clearly guardian angels have to fly faster than a colibri, but to keep it simple when it comes to the math:

1. 5500 - 7500 beats per second of 6 ft. wings to keep a 100 lbs. angel hovering requires roughly one horsepower per beat! Around 6000 horsepower to keep an angel hovering!
2. 1 horsepower (550 ft-lbf/s) = 745.7 watts (an angel needs to generate 6000 horsepower = 4474200 watts.
3. 251.996 calories is physically equal to 0.293071 watt hour (an angel needs 4474200 watt hour = 3847124086 calories to fly for one hour).
4. One medium-sized banana contains around 100 calories (3847124086 calories are needed to keep an angel flying for 1 hour = 38471240 bananas per hour).
5. 38471240 bananas per hour = 641187 bananas per second… 

Really, no one (not even Rosie O’Donnell or Oprah Winfrey) can chew and swallow bananas that fast — thus angels can’t exist!

Merry Christmas from Scudfish.com!

Make it more difficult for the bully to get in to your locker by bashing his brains in.

(Try thinking outside the box)

Pick me! I have awesome powers.

1. Personal Assistant waiting to do something meaningful, but whose primary duties so far has been to say “mister” (”missus”) and to have a warm and encouraging smile plastered on their face at all times: 3%
2. Rent, lattes, over-priced designer clothes, and frilly drinks for people that “just love” the performance in that movie that nobody really saw: 52%
3. Union fees and magazine subscriptions for crappy publications that will only come in handy as “research material” if they ever get offered a supporting role in a movie staring Tom Hanks: 4%
4. Condoms for A-List actors and actresses who are too drunk to find their own stash when they “need to do” that skinny but hot waitress or waiter: 1%
5. Replacing broken furniture, telephones and bathroom fixtures when “having to” drag home Russell Crowe, Leonardo DiCaprio or George Clooney for an after-party: 12%
6. Flowers, chocolates, stuffed animals and show tickets to keep “no-name” celebrity gossipers (almost like real reporters) from calling them a cheap-talentless-2-by-4: 19%
7. Talent agency who hasn’t done very-much-more than to find producers and directors who are willing to give out roles for depraved sexual favors: 16%
8. Well-covered charity events and contributions (minus tax write-offs): 0.02%
9. Coke for people that are or who want to be their friend: 7%
10. Savings for that day when people realize that they are as easily replaced as a caterer: -30.02%