Scudfish

1. Burmese dishes that call for any kind of fermented shellfish (unless Swedish fermented herring can be used as a substitute).
2. Appetizers involving penises, testicles, rectums, snouts or tongues (unless stewed or smoked).
3. Gourmet meals that call for eyeballs from mammals (unless small enough to be eaten in one bite).
4. Meat dishes involving animals that are used as pets in the Western World (unless they are considered to be exceptionally ugly by most people’s standards).
5. Nouveau Cuisine dishes that involve virgin sacrifices and cucumbers (unless virgin sacrifices and zucchini can be used as substitutes).

Please don’t go…

As you can clearly see here… I had a difficult childhood.

1. Size 5 (Clogs with red top leather).
2. Size 5 ½ (Yellow, sweaty, and uncomfortable rain boots).
3. Size 6 (Mickey Mouse sneakers that would have been better in a size 4).
4. Size 11 (Unfortunately not insulated waders).
5. Size 9½ left, and mysteriously a size 10 right; cleats for football.

Momentous want…

Son of oh-God.

1. Whip.
2. Thong.
3. Rake.
4. Tampon applicator.
5. Spoon.

In the top of you pineapple, in disguise…

I loved her because she didn’t nag and I could carry her around by the crotch.

1. Spring lamb, garlic and rosemary marinated shoulder chops — pan-fried in anchovy butter.
2. Hickory barbequed hamburgers.
3. Spicy reindeer jerky that has repeated on you — twice!
4. Sony store salesman aftershave with a hint of poutine.
5. That one special girl from high school.

On your feet — losing my brain cells.

The first billboard ad in Poland.