Scudfish

1. Wear 14-foot stilts! Perspective will distort any body shape and will make it appear generally thinner and more elongated to anyone looking up at you. No one will be able to tell if you are flat chested or not.
2. Use optical illusions to you advantage. Have a tie-dyed t-shirt made that features two large strategically placed colourful circles… It can make people see things that are not there because they simply expect them to be there.
3. Slightly more expensive than a tie-dyed shirt: have a custom shirt airbrushed using Trompe-L’oeil (French for fool the eye) art techniques. Skilfully airbrushed shadows and creases on a shirt will fool anyone — at least when viewed head-on (not really useful if you are in to line dancing).
4. Distraction always works! Drawing men’s eyes away from a woman’s chest area might seem like an impossible task, but it really isn’t! A hat with a clever saying will do it every time: ”Come to my place and watch me eat Rohypnol.” — “I make like a rabbit after 2 beers.” — “My twin sister is a slut too.” — “I love sausage and football.” — “Future White House intern.” — “I can suck Jell-O with a straw”.
5. Humans need colour to perceive depth-of-field accurately. Always wear a grey sweater and stay in the shadows. If there are no shadows — make some! A large umbrella doesn’t have to cost you more than a couple of bucks.

This is when I fell in love with her.

I am bowling.

1. Banjo.
2. Harp.
3. Trombone.
4. Cymbals.
5. Accordion.

Dammit! All the pussy is all the way over there and I’m right behing this tree.

Want… Jummie McPigeon.

1. You should never buy beer by the case, as this will enable people around you to see how much beer you are drinking, based one the number of bottles or cans they have to clean up. The keg was invented so that wives and mother in laws won’t be able to tell how much beer you are consuming. Abusive comments such as: “The fat lazy stupid bastard drank 23 beers again today” will be a thing of the past with a 500-gallon keg in the basement!
2. Being ordered to shower is extremely degrading… But there is a product out there that can help distract the noses of the people who rag on you! The secret weapon of middle-aged men, and grandfathers everywhere, is “Old Spice”. It’s much easier to cope with people not liking your “aftershave” than having people complain about your natural aroma.
3. Never nap on the couch, kitchen floor or your mother-in-law. In fact, never nap anywhere where you can be easily found, and made fun of… Sleeping behind lock and key is the way to go! The bathroom, an old couch in the garage or a pile of rugs in the attic can be both private and comfortable. Men with big money buy themselves a boat-sized Cadillac that they keep in the garage year-round. With a little bit of fiddling you can easily fit a mattress, some blankets and big screen TV in there.
4. Everyone knows that dieting is totally unnecessary if people can’t tell how big you really are… The official uniform of “fat lazy stupid bastards” has always been striped boxer shorts, a white t-shirt and black knee-high socks. Although comfortable, the uniform is hardly slimming. I have found that lose fitting flannel pajamas are equally comfortable and much more slimming, especially in a brown checked pattern.
5. Taking care of being called “lazy” is the easiest part! Wouldn’t you rather be called passionate, caring and concerned bird lover? Here’s a secret passed down from my grandfather: Build a small birdhouse, and walk out in the woods to “find it a good spot” But instead of nailing it to a tree you secretly bring it back with you… The next day you repaint it (takes about 3 minute) and walk out in the woods again with your “new” birdhouse… Anyone who unselfishly builds a birdhouse every day for his little bird friends can’t possibly be called lazy, stupid or anything equally derogatory.

Great news! My wife untangles before sex!

Go away! There’s nothing to see here.

1. Vietnamese.
2. Burmese.
3. East Timorian.
4. Namibian.
5. Lenny’s sausages on the corner of St-Laurent and Duluth in Montreal.