Scudfish

1. He gets angry when other dads call him Butch.
2. He cuts his own hair and is covered in lame prison tats.
3. His favourite pastime — watching John Wayne movies.
4. His babies are not two Harleys, but a pair of comfortable shoes.
5. He proudly wears a Miami Dolphins t-shirt.

It feel like I’m going four billion miles per hour!

McDonald’s Christmas party.

1. Fat baby elephant without ears, eyes and a mouth.
2. Liver spot in the shape of a dollar sign.
3. Misspelled and confusing Zen-like quote by George W. Bush.
4. Memorial tattoo for Henry B. Winkelstein The Third.
5. Oil company logos.

Pretty sure the bitch was living right there.

Spooning duck a l’orange.

1. Urban planner.
2. Sperm donor.
3. Myspace attention whore.
4. Director of FEMA.
5. Miami Dolphins coach.

Well, hello, there! Do you want to be my main fat bitch? Ok? Thanks!

I went to school in Toronto.

1. Scarf found in an airport bathroom stall.
2. Designer socks and underwear from a local thrift store.
3. Glasses courtesy of a deceased grandpa.
4. Original 1899 prospector Levis bought on eBay.
5. iPod from Best Buy.

Pretty sure my wife is going to give me some head tonight.

I fear a tampon will not do the trick.