Scudfish

1. Patch of cow dung — on a hot summer day. (Kemi, Finland — 1975).
2. Leftover rabbit stew and bones thrown up by our beagle “Charlie” — on the bathroom floor. (Montreal, Canada — 1996).
3. Inside-out-raccoon — on my brother’s lawn. (Sundsvall, Sweden — 1984).
4. Something I hoped was vomit — on the parking lot of Holiday Inn. (Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia — 1992).
5. One of my son’s “I-can’t-believe-that-came-out-of-a-baby-diapers”. (Montreal, Canada — Yesterday).

I love them as the remind me of that chick from Southampton that I screwed on Ibiza last year.

Kicking it old school at the wailing wall.

1. Soup.
2. Ground.
3. Stew.
4. Jerky.
5. Roast.
6. Steak.

This is my secret plan for world domination.

I was finally able to count the moles on my back and became a licensed superhero.

1. “There are now pubic hairs belonging to 27 different people in here!”
2. “Here kitty, kitty…”
3. “Anal probe mode in 5, 4, 3, 2…”
4. “Kill all humans!”
5. “Swear to God… Do that again and I’ll tell your wife!”

We didn’t know we were filthy whores until we went to a Celine Dion concert.

People seldom harrassed us.

1. Heel or No Heel — Tall models are placed behind short bald guys and the contestants have to try and pick out the one model not wearing any footwear.
2. Feel or No Feel — All but one model on stage is hooked up to a transformer and the contestants get to zap them with electricity. The objective of the game is to find the one model faking the electrical shocks.
3. Seal or No Seal — The contestants are presented with different animal carcasses and have to try and pick out the remains of an over-clubbed seal pup.
4. Veal or No Veal — Heavyset models are paraded on to the stage and the contestants have to try and pick out the one woman who doesn’t object to eating veal.
5. Teal or No Teal — Colorblind contestants have to try and pick out the one model wearing something in the color teal: by touching, smelling and tasting the different garments worn by the women.
6. Eel or No Eel — Male strippers are asked to dance on stage and the contestants have to try and pick out the one guy with an electric eel in his thong.
7. Ally McBeal or No Ally McBeal — The famous actress is mixed in with ridiculously skinny wannabe actresses and the contestants have to try and pick out the real Ally McBeal by using a hammer.

My girlfriend just hanging…

Listen up! We are three dudes and should be able to take this pussy.

1. Emergency Zippo lighter fluid.
2. Removing grease stains from the floor in the garage.
3. Cleaning fingerprints off the bathroom mirror.
4. Disinfecting the barbeque utensils you left out on porch for 2 weeks.
5. Setting anthills on fire.

I wasn’t really scared as the gun didn’t have bullets or a  chamber, and his penis was very small.

Trying too hard can make things more frightening.