Scudfish

1. Cinderella the starving slipper chick.
2. Ariel the always wet mermaid.
3. Belle the beast lover.
4. Snow White the gang-banger.
5. Aurora the sleeping beauty.

She popped in and made my 5 bucks worthwhile.

1. “Why can’t you go on a golf trip to Thailand like your brother?”
2. “Why can’t we buy imported beer like the Jones’?”
3. “Why can’t we eat steak-and-steak sandwiches again?”
4. “Why can’t I just sit in the corner during football games?”
5. “Why can’t we have an orgy with my sisters?”

She loves everything about me.

1. Spatulas.
2. Bowflex.
3. Bowling pin.
4. Time.
5. Jodi Foster (over a kitchen table)

His kung-fu doesn’t scare me all that much.

1. Choked on a face-full of krill.
2. Hit by a snowmobile.
3. Stepped on a landmine.
4. Devoured by some Ethiopian dude.
5. Mauled by a polar bear.

We cleverly avoid being eaten by polar bears by living in Antarctica.

1. Rock.
2. Whip.
3. Baseball bat.
4. 2-by-4.
5. Chess.

Eating this crap so that I may crush your skull later on in life.