Scudfish

1. When bringing a face-biting girlfriend to her first real orgasm.
2. When stepping over a crazed pitbull and you are wearing a kilt.
3. When having bloody diarrhoea in shark-infested waters.
4. When grandma has a seizure while grooming your back.
5. When you get to give some payback and anal-probe an alien.

Trying to catch herpes is not easy if you can’t find a bitch.

My grandpa taught me a neat trick using only my gums.

1. 5:28 am any given day.
2. 70 mph. over the speed limit.
3. Rush hour on Fridays.
4. PMS days.
5. 5-minute 2-minute lap dances.

Getting ready to get my revenge in the public swimming pool.

For the guys finally: a peek in to the women’s bathroom. See? The “L Word” is all lies!

1. Playing table hockey.
2. Separating whites from egg yolks.
3. Wall-hacking Counter-Strike.
4. Learning to ride the unicycle.
5. Truck stop hookers.

Hello! Ohhh… Ohhh… Ohhh… You are pretty hard for a zombie!

As you can see… I haven’t gotten laid in 14 years.

1. She will always have a piece of fried chicken in the fridge.
2. She keeps the bed and the whole house warm.
3. She won’t run away with your neighbour — or ever…
4. She has boobs all over the place when bending even a little bit.
5. She can make tepees out of her underwear when family come to call.

Help me! I’m being attacked by piss puddles!

My girlfriend, the year before I rolled her to the altar.

1. Is having a gun smaller than the average British penis still cool? No!
2. Where’s the bling, piercing and the tatt?
3. How about saying “shit” a couple of times during a chase scene?
4. Why not play Green Day when he’s going down on a slutty blonde?
5. Having a couple of brews should still do the trick, no?

Rap music just pisses me off!

Trans fats give me brutal diarrhea.