Scudfish

1. “Do It Yourself Circumcisions” by Rabi MC Hammer.
2. “10 Fun Ways To Get Rid Of Your Kids” by Britney Spears.
3. “Make Love Like Super Mario” by Nintendo.
4. “Powders That Aren’t Cocaine” by Lindsey Lohan.
5. “The Bible” by Some Old Dudes.

Dude! Ouch! My ear! Ouuuch!

Homeboy taking it up a notch.

1. 736, 229, 223 — Number of Zoey 101 products returned to stores after Christmas.
2. 2, 120, 129 — Number of preteen girls asking their moms how the baby got in Zoey’s tummy.
3. 2,378 — Number of times Jamie Lynn Spears’ agent said “shit” when hearing the news.
4. 13 — Number of days before Jamie Lynn remembered that babies also come out of the vagina.
5. 2 — Number of stupid sluts now in the Spears family.

Some bitches just take too much effort…

Sometimes we all tried to look like that French-Canadian girl.

1. Booze in plastic bottles.
2. Booze in a flip-top lid bottle under grandma’s sink.
3. Booze in bottles originally intended for other liquids.
4. Booze in bottles marked “Bubba’s” — scribbled with a ballpoint pen.
5. Booze bottled as Southern Comfort.

Mine! Mine! Mine! All mine!

It sucks being a monkey creature.

1. She mentions that she has a boyfriend before she cleans out your ear with her tongue.
2. The only thing she can say is, “I’m sooo drunk!” but she’s not trying to get naked.
3. She puts on a shiny gold coloured strap-on and asks you to pick up your socks from the floor.
4. You squeeze her butt while slow dancing and she gets an erection.
5. Not quite a snore; more of a hissing sound, from the woman that had your roofie cocktail.

Hello there! People call me 5914 hamburgers…

First feeble steps with the goth thing and wearing a training bra.

1. Her knees look like they are covered in raw hamburger meat.
2. Her name is Olga and she doesn’t know which country she is in.
3. Instead of a thong she wears a McDonald’s Happy Meal bag.
4. Her driver transports her in a shopping cart.
5. In addition to “dancer” and “masseuse”, she also lists “syphilis” and “herpes” on her business card.

It’s going to be an amazing day!

I have a new hat.