Scudfish

1. I will not smoke after the stroke of midnight… unless I’m having a drink.
2. I will exercise daily… if I don’t have anything better to do.
3. I will no longer make fun of your mother… straight to her face.
4. I will not cheat on you again… unless I’m 100% sure I won’t get caught.
5. I will not download porn… until I get high speed Internet access.

One of the Darths that I killed off when it showed up at my door.

1. The dirtier the finger nails on a man — the more sensitive he is as a lover. Long yellow toenails also often signal sexual repression and insecurity.
2. A man that licks his wild boar ribs is often always a homosexual. Straight men will also never eat oblong vegetables unless first mashed (or prechewed by a girlfriend, wife or mother in-law).
3. Men with horrible speech impediments are better at oral sex. Big ears and gums on a man often means that he has a big sack and penis (by Cambodian standards).
4. Women who dance like crazed demons have contracted syphilis from German sex tourists. A Cambodian woman who smiles at you after sex is confident that she has passed on a horrible sexually transmitted disease to you.
5. Women who rarely wash their vaginas are crazed nymphomaniacs (or plain crazy). Men who obsessively wash their penises often have sex with filthy wildlife.
6. It’s easier to get a threesome going if you enter a village while juggling grilled rodents. People who still have their front teeth have sex more often than those that don’t.
7. You are more likely to get laid if you wear a t-shirt featuring a funny proverb. People that pick at their scabs don’t get laid as often as the ones that let friends help them.
8. Condoms with spermicide also protect you from alien abductions and demonic possessions. It’s bad luck to jerk off with another person’s hand if the individual has been dead for more than a year. 
9. Only a dildo that you have carved yourself will bring you true happiness. Men can build up their sexual stamina by having sex with very unwilling felines.
10. Women who have sex with fat Americans often have compound fractures on their spines and are therefore expensive to take as wives. Men turned women make better wives for Westerners as they can take more senseless beatings.

Even the female gibbon loves a well-hung dude.

1. Shelter for unwanted, uncool and retarded Pokemons.
2. Shelter for small dogs that have been mistaken for hand puppets.
3. Shelter for coked up celebrities that can’t find their car keys.
4. Shelter for guys that want to get raped in a communal shower.
5. Shelter for people that might get killed by O.J. Simpson.

Spikes doesn’t always scary make.

1. Bear Mauler.
2. Rosie’s Bowling Pin.
3. WMD.
4. The Brass Trombone.
5. King Dong.

Pepsi — taste the one that’s forever young.

1. Grease Castle.
2. Beef-A-Plenty.
3. Chalet No Veggies.
4. Turtle Soups n’ Grills.
5. Scores.

One of my heros.