Scudfish

1. He was a good enough lover despite being hung like a toy poodle.
2. He preferred using my lady shaver when removing hair from his feet and back.
3. He was wet nursed by his grandmother until he was 12.
4. He would when slow-dancing always insist on being called “Erica”.
5. He always very carefully examined his handkerchief after blowing his nose.
6. He always sat down when going pee because his penis scared him.
7. He had this secret fetish about being spanked with rhubarb.
8. He talks in his sleep, and always about how much he enjoys milking koalas.
9. He got great satisfaction from secretly using other people’s toothbrushes.
10. He would when passing gas, always say, “good one!”

Yes! You pathetic humans… Fear my awesomeness!

A man will do whatever it takes to get laid.

1. She doesn’t need a pillow when lying on her back.
2. She can use it to store her passport, green card and thong.
3. She will by having long hair give her male co-stars something to hold on to.
4. She will when being on all fours, not get hurt when her skull repeatedly hits the bed’s headboard.
5. She needs to do something with her extra protein intake.

Seriously, human… You are not going to use your Glock, are you?

SpongeBob SquarePants for the deaf.

1. Watches Oprah and Dr. Phil religiously.
2. Addicted to necrophilia-related literature and imagery.
3. Cuts her toenails and shaves in bed.
4. Often forgets to wipe after bathroom visits.
5. Nagging.

Today my girlfriend said she needed some space…

Signs that you are crazy.

1. Sturdy nail clipper.
2. Motorized callus remover.
3. Good quality socks.
4. Comfortable footwear.
5. 18-year-old girlfriend that can do the splits.