Scudfish

1. She will call you John when you have sex.
2. She carries a coin operated condom dispenser in her purse.
3. She has girlfriends named, “Missy”, “Babrie” and “Condoleezza”.
4. She walks like Barnie when she gets home from “work”. 
5. She has fishnet stocking pattern tattood on her legs.

She very aggressivly went for my nuts and I found it to be a turn-off.

1. Having your hand on fire.
2. Breastfeeding a baby bald eagle.
3. Inventing a new skateboard move by accident.
4. Opening a can of tuna using only your teeth.
5. Placing a suppository in an angry Cheetah.

I almost cried when she picked up after me the first time.

1. The U.S. government is probably smart enough to hide away any captured aliens at the even more secretive Area 52.
2. The secret to sharing a milkshake is that both people should be sucking. If one of you is spitting — you’ll be there all day.
3. Wrestlers often get voted “most likely to get oiled up with other men” at their respective high schools.
4. Everything happens, statistically speaking, which is good news for Bob Newport who is desperately trying to get laid in a small village, outside Anchorage, Alaska.
5. They are only called silicon implants when they are on the outside. Once in there, they are simply nice boobs!

Not redneck — redneck — redneck.

1. Pictures of buddies doing silly faces.
2. Random notes of very litte importance.
3. Condom given out in sex ed class.
4. Check from grandma.
5. Money.

This is you… This is me… Happy Valentine’s Day!

1. Naps.
2. Salty liquorice.
3. Prime Rib au jus.
4. Listening to people that actually know better.
5. Shaving, soap and shampoo.

I changed a lot since I got porn on cable.