Scudfish

1. Ring!
2. Bing!
3. Wing!
4. Ding!
5. Ka-ching!

It’s not paranoia! They are always watching me… It’s relentless!

A tequila vomit volcano — ready to blow.

Sometimes the real deal is funnier than the craziest George Carlin routine…

1. Curing toothaches: “Dissolve a piece of opium, the size of a pea, in spirits or turpentine. Put in the hollow of the tooth upon cotton. It does not stop the pain at once, but if well applied, and frequently changed, will soon cause it to never trouble again.” (Dr. Chase’s Recipes – 1884)
2. Avoiding eye problems: “Do not make children cross-eyed by having hair hang about their foreheads where they see it continually.” (The American Frugal Housewife – 1832)
3. To recover from being struck by lightning: “Shower with cold water for two hours; if the patient does not show signs of life, put salt in the water and continue to shower an hour longer.” (The Canadian Home Cookbook -1877)
4. During pregnancy: “Those who have not been accustomed to bathing should not begin the practice during pregnancy. The mother should avoid looking at or thinking of ugly people or those marked with disfigured diseases.” (The Physical Life of Women – 1872)
5. Treatment blemishes: “Nothing is better than ear-wax to prevent the painful effects resulting from a wound by a nail, skewer, etc. It should be put on as soon as possible. Those who are troubled with cracked lips have found this remedy successful when others have failed.” (The American Frugal Housewife – 1832)

Kitten rides end when you become ugly and more food like, ok?

Sometimes I kick back and let it all hang out.

1. It wasn’t the sausages — it was the Heinz ketchup all along!
2. Eating the skin of a barbecued chicken is not unhealthy if done in one bite!
3. It’s only the carbs of McDonald’s burger buns that end up on your ass!
4. You can avoid a double-chin by simply eating your pizza while lying on your back!
5. Simply skipping the drinking straw when you are done frying your bacon adds years to your life!

I’m going to lose you to Seinfeld reruns in 17 minutes… Food now, ok? Thanks!

The way passed a woman’s bra is lined with tequila.

1. Michael Moore — Weight Watchers’ pamphlets.
2. Tom Cruise — Prescriptions for postpartum depression pills.
3. Lindsay Lohan — Court orders.
4. Marcus Vick — Dog fur.
5. Kirstie Alley — Hamburger wrappers.