Scudfish

1. Perhaps you should build a higher fence because we are buying a pack of Pit Bulls.
2. My parents are coming to stay with us because their village is being ravaged by Ebola.
3. Is your chainsaw strong enough to cut a hooker in half?
4. I beat my wife only because she walks in to doors and falls down stairs.
5. Can my kids play at your house while I clean our Meth lab?

In the next life I hope to reincarnate as one of Sharapova’s bananas.

1. Missing mid 1970’s tools and Abba albums.
2. Pirate gold and rum treasure.
3. Jimmy Hoffa with a wooden spike through his torso.
4. Noah’s Ark and a pair of maracas.
5. Proper foundation and enough depth.

I love one of my other selves — especially the one with 20/20 vision.

1. Octopus saliva.
2. Bacon grease.
3. Lawnmower blade sharpening oil.
4. Spermicide.
5. Paris Hilton’s used spermicide.

My joy in life is to make old Japanese tourists happy.

1. LP recordings of Tintin’s many adventures.
2. Packs of cigarettes with chocolate in them.
3. Space: 1999 — The people and ships of Moonbase Alpha.
4. The ghost of my buddy’s grandmother in their potato cellar; even though his parents insisted that she was alive and well, and living in Helsinki.
5. Coca Cola.

My mom thinks I look cool — my mom is a selfish slut.

1. Seagulls.
2. Zombies.
3. Red liquorice.
4. Kidneys.
5. Vegetables.

I blow bubbles when I cry. I normally cry when mommy blows daddy.