Scudfish

1. Potato salad (with stinky onions).
2. Caesar salad (with rock-hard croutons).
3. Spicy Southwestern Slaw (with spicy Cayenne pepper).
4. Cucumber and tomato salad (with hard cucumbers).
5. Prison salad (with chards of sharp glass).

You are not allowed to sit on this gnome.

1. A picture book: Pressure washer related accidents.
2. Leprosy and other fascinating skin conditions.
3. 99 quick ways to skin and cook a hedgehog.
4. 3 other fun things to do with a condom.
5. Romantic serenades: Arranged for the Tuba.

Probably not putting out — probably not expecting it.

1. I polished off a bottle of Talisker and some Belgian monastery beers, and still cooked a turkey dinner!
2. When I was 18 I could hold an erection for hours on end and still line dance without any problems what so ever.
3. One of the women lost her bikini top during water gym at our pool, and I didn’t stare or smile for more than 2 minutes!
4. When our neighbor’s house burned to the ground, and threatened ours: I didn’t take The Lord’s name in vain more than 349 times!
5. I didn’t marry my first real girlfriend even though she could suck dry a soaked cardigan (or anything else) in less than a minute, if simply asked kindly.

Not on the way to Sturgis.

1. Vying.
2. Abate.
3. Wad.
4. Fawn.
5. Elephant-sized brown dildo.

I’ll give you a hand.

1. He realized that something had gone horribly wrong when he looked down at his left foot and toes.
2. Mrs. Porter’s arm looked, smelled, and tasted just like gangrene, even though she had washed it carefully.
3. There were 88 keys on the piano, and by the time the concert was over, he had abused every single known note in the universe.
4. Very few men are brave enough to climb to the top of the Eiffel Tower when covered in baby oil, lard and peanut butter.
5. A big grin started to spread on his face when he picked up the last nail and placed in-between the eyes of his daughter’s Tickle Me Elmo.

Southern Comfort party.