Scudfish

Dad… Please don’t do it! We will get you the Weber E-320 grill for Father’s Day.

Newly married — it’s down hill from here.

1. “Load your camera! There’s a charity bikini car wash for only a buck-twenty-nine up ahead!”
2. “Up ahead — amazing head!”
3. “Quickly chug your beer! There’s routine check for dead bodies in trunks up ahead!”
4. “You have been pulling 75 hour weeks… I’m sure your wife won’t mind… Topnotch strip club up ahead!”
5. “Three McDonald’s Sausage Egg McMuffins is not a substitute sex, go ahead — drive home and just go to bed!”

I do paperwork for the man!

Sad I can’t tell you to shove the Whiskas up your ass.

1. O-O-O-N-O.
2. I-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-D-O-L-L-A-R-S-M-I-G-H-T-P-E-R-H-A-P-S-D-O-T-H-E-T-R-I-C-K.
3. P-W-N-E-D.
4. T-E-X-A-R-S-E.
5. O-S-A-M-A-N-O-W-A-I-T-O-B-A-M-A.

It could be worse… It could be George Michael and a male prostitute.

Klingon rock melts your face.

1. It’s always more rewarding to find out who you really are than to find something of material value, except if you happen to find a fully loaded 80GB iPod.
2. Being a giving and generous person will never hurt you, unless your generosity involves your liver, Chianti and Fava beans.
3. Beauty in itself isn’t always beautiful… Sometimes beauty is the memory of something that once was beautiful — like a half-eaten 38-ounce slab of medium-rare prime rib.
4. No matter how much noise you make and how important of a person you think you are — to that one sharp-toothed someone or something out there, you are simply food.
5. It’s always better to wake up thinking for yourself than have someone else do the thinking for you. The same thing applies to chewing your own food and pulling your own nose hairs.

Oh, no… Smell like appetizer.