Scudfish

1. Would have had the biggest brain in the world and been amazing at Soduko and at opening pre-perforated cardboard packaging.
2. Fingernails would have been the size of toilet lids.
3. Would have had to be gentle even when mating with a Blue Whale.
4. Lunge capacity would have enabled him to suck like the Hover Dam or Kevin Federline.
5. Beach balls.

I luv rubz ur back, mom

1. Spews goo from wrists seeks…
2. Kills over-the-top evil villains seeks…
3. Senses things in the bottom of the skull seeks…
4. Loves to wear shiny tights and red knee high boots seeks…
5. Spiderman seeks…

You taste just like a Just like a roman-catholic priest.

1. Too much spare change in his left pocket.
2. Itchy crack.
3. It was a pretty reasonable excuse to not having to do Paris Hilton again.
4. Rabies.
5. His sperm count from the quite painful vasectomy came back positive.

Style over substance is always sad.

1. The horrible urge to clean out the garage from empty beer bottles.
2. The compulsive need to wear a fresh pair of socks and underwear every day.
3. The complete commitment to watching figure skating on a Saturday night.
4. The absolute focus to blocking out filth to the TV that your wife doesn’t even know about.
5. The mysterious notion that hearing equals listening — or worse: caring!

Newly married — it’s down hill from here.

1. “Load your camera! There’s a charity bikini car wash for only a buck-twenty-nine up ahead!”
2. “Up ahead — amazing head!”
3. “Quickly chug your beer! There’s routine check for dead bodies in trunks up ahead!”
4. “You have been pulling 75 hour weeks… I’m sure your wife won’t mind… Topnotch strip club up ahead!”
5. “Three McDonald’s Sausage Egg McMuffins is not a substitute sex, go ahead — drive home and just go to bed!”

Sad I can’t tell you to shove the Whiskas up your ass.