Scudfish

Mrs. Miller — For those times when having your nipples chewed on by a crazed badger is not painful enough.

I often considered stabbing people on the way in to work.

1. Just the right chef’s knife.
2. Good quality socks.
3. Any kind of single malt whisky.
4. Comfortable and quick-loading catapult.
5. Beeswax.

Drzewo w jezdni — Because Polish signs are cheaper than Swedish chainsaws.

Some guys prefer their lovers hairy and musky.

1. Picking a date when the moon is getting bigger — alternatively: picking a date when the bride’s mother is vacationing in Jamaica.
2. The bride wears a white dress — alternatively: her mother wears an orange jumpsuit.
3. The woman who puts the veil on the bride is happily married — alternatively: the best man happily locks her mother into the old trunk in the attic.
4. Wearing earrings will bring the bride good luck — alternatively: it will bring the groom good luck if her mother is in a hospital emergency room with split eardrums.
5. Seeing lambs, doves, wolves, spiders or toads on the way to church — alternatively: seeing the bride’s mother being mauled by a pack of badgers.

Coolness — Simply add a cigarette and you can also be as cool as a Vietnamese Paul Newman.

It’s not gay foreplay — it’s wrestling.

1. Bubba — With relative ease peels shrimp using only one hand.
2. Cecilia — Makes bran muffins out of pretty much anything.
3. Lenny — Knows one cousin or another who has just the right spare part for your Lexus.
4. Max — Distinguishes a McDonald’s burger from wet dog food in a matter of minutes.
5. Linda — Without effort fits the GNP of a small county in her thong.

Sign language — Warp 1 looks much more frightening than Warp 8.