Scudfish

1. The passengers are instructed to keep their goats leashed at all times.
2. The cocktail cart is a still on wheels.
3. The oxygen masks are still down from the last trip.
4. The in-flight movie is an airline-edited compilation of Chuck Norris movies.
5. The one token male stewardess also has a run in his stockings.

Alternatives - Spend money on Pepsi to get free Pepsi stuff or buy coke and hire a hooker.

Shot myself a Easter Gernan bunny.

1. Slipping a few cucumbers, pineapple and some shoe polish into the ice cream freezer at the grocery store, because I was too tired to walk back and replace them.
2. Accidentally picking up the wrong prescription medicine at the pharmacy, and absolutely enjoying the pills: for days… They helped with my knee too!
3. Switching over half the TV’s (and hiding the remotes) at Champions sports bar from NHL hockey to “Helga Does The West Coast” because they wouldn’t take back some really dry and crappy wings.
4. A Japanese tourist family asked me to take their group picture in front of the Molson Center, and instead I zoomed in on the ample, and perky bosom of what I assumed was their oldest daughter — as a really bad joke.
5. Took a day and placed ads on free boards downtown: “Established Death Metal band looking for someone with long hair” — “Back rubs for $3.00/hr.” — “Learn how to cook with puppies” — “Friendly stripper is looking to help with your lawn care” — “Trading my new plasma TV for a bunch of perfectly rip bananas” — all with the 1-800 phone number to an obnoxious receptionist at a telemarketing firm.

Chicken McNuggets - Because your 5-year-old would never eat Chicken McPieces.

Even squirrels are cute with sticks of dynamite.

1. Subscriptions — to the magazines they only read in the bathroom, garage or attic.
2. Annoying neighbors — that didn’t end up being nearly as annoying as the new ones that moved in.
3. Super glue — for hiding horrible mishaps with their mother in-law’s favorite bone china.
4. Gay friend — who doesn’t mind picking up more beer even when game seven of the Stanley Cup playoffs, is in overtime.
5. Duct tape — for quickly fixing things that can later be fixed with more duct tape.

Parrots — They are decorative and much cheaper  to buy when dead.

Me and my buddies used to hang out and crap on picnic blankets.

1. Pavarotti performing Shakira’s “Hips don’t lie”.
2. Rolling Stones performing Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”.
3. Dixie Chicks performing Queen’s “Fat bottomed girls”.
4. The Pussycat Dolls performing Engelbert Humperdinck’s “Les Bicyclettes De Belsize”.
5. Madonna performing her “Like A Virgin”.