Scudfish

Infectious party tricks.

Here are some great (for you family’s mental well-being) and money-saving tips that I have picked up during the last few weeks when it comes to setting up an aquarium for kids.

1. During the first weeks: only allow your kids to call the fishes “A”, “B” and “C”… This will make it less painful than flushing down “Adam”, “Beatrice” and “Cat” in the toilet.
2. Listen to the aquarium people when they tell your which fish work well together: nothing more traumatic for the kids than seeing “Adam” eating one of “Cat’s” eyes, and “Beatrice” swimming in circles with most of her fins missing.
3. Buy one of them ugly (indestructible) fish that only stay at the bottom of the tank and eat all the food and crap that your kid’s drop into the aquarium. That ugly one will help keep food from rotting and helps control and prevent diseases.
4. Unless you are extremely wealthy: only buy fish that you can easily and secretly replace when dead. Your family needs to eat too… Replacing a tank of Rainbow Angels every week will seriously affect how much, and what your family will be eating, until you get fed up with the aquarium and buy a puppy instead.
5. Never let your kids pick out the exact one fish at the store as they will without fault, pick out the one that swims in quick circles “making tricks”… Or as the aquarium people call it: “slowly dying from an unknown disease”.

eHarmony.com - When torturing small animals and shitting on your neighbor’s lawn loses its charm.

It’s raining war.

1. Only wear black lipstick if you have perfectly white teeth, or you might be confused with a garbage eating raccoon - not cool. Orange is a great color to hide and disguise less than attractive teeth.
2. Earrings for boys: (fruit) loops are “out”… Studs, bones or bird feathers are “in” again! Earrings for girls: faux-religious imagery is “out”… Anything that’s not a choking hazard for your boyfriend is “in”.
3. A straggly-dirty looking hairdo might be a fashion statement and perhaps even interesting, but it’s too much if people can smell it from across the street… Look around your parent’s basement for something called “shampoo”.
4. There is such a thing as “too many piercings”… When your grandma’s dog licks your face and gets stuck and has to be put down - lose a few of them.
5. Painting goofy patterns and symbols on your face was ruined by Kiss decades ago… And no: using other colors doesn’t make it any less lame. If you want to stand out: self-mutilation together with the removal of a limb is the way to go.
6. Dressing all black can be very cool… But guys should never wear black underwear, as all real women know that it’s always exclusively used to hide skidmarks and poor hygiene in general.
7. Tattoos? As always, misspelled and utterly confusing ones are the way to go. Ask a stoned friend or drunk tattoo artist for advice if you are not sure what to mess up.

Toddler books - Your toddler’s first look at future emotional traumas.

David Lee Roth — still scaring people.

1. Never eat anything that start with a vowel.
2. Blue food products should only be eaten after sunset.
3. You can eat all you want of everything that rhymes with “hexlaxar”.
4. Only free-range chickens that have choked on crystals are safe to eat.
5. Anything regurgitated by a virgin is always good to eat.

Hitchhikers - The reason why you have a rear view mirror.

Elephant playing with his balls.