Scudfish

Miracle - You can run on water if you are motivated enough.

I used to work extra as a piano stand after school.

1. Parade route is littered with wheel chairs, prosthetic legs and jig shoes.
2. Public projectile vomiting and urination by not only American tourists.
3. Spontaneous hugs from homeless people who proudly sport their “gangrene”.
4. Only people with herpes wear “Kiss Me I’m Irish!” hats, and really mean it.
5. It only comes around once a year.

Sister & Brother - Better than being molested by a Wooke.

Not my friend — probably not Lindsay Lohan’s friend either.

1. Dropping my pacifier out of the stroller into the mud, and some bearded and toothless stranger picks it up and licks it clean, and shoves it back into my mouth. (Age 2)
2. The clown on the supermarket parking lot threatens to kick and burn his dog if nobody tips him, and I’m not allowed to stay and see the spectacle. (Age 4)
3. Getting a magical pet rabbit that morphs into a guinea pig a year later, and a couple of months after that the guinea pig morphs into two rats. (Age 6)
4. Yoda comes to visit all the way from Finland and brings lots of candy and presents. He pinches my cheeks and says that I’m a big boy, and my parents insist that I give him a hug even though he smells funny. (Age 7)
5. My older brother having sex with the cute lifeguard from the public pool behind our shed, after which she to my great shock stands up and shoves her penis back into her sweat pants. (Age 8)

Fruit - Eating an apple and learning that your boyfriend’s banana is actually the same size as a grape.

We are all unique.

1. “The user reviews I have seen all complain that they gum only comes in mint and fruit flavors… Now we are in 2007 and surprisingly there still isn’t a stale tobacco flavored one available yet.” — Courtney Love.
2. “The pieces are too small and I often end up burning my lips when accidentally trying to light one up when drunk down at the pub with my mates.” — Russell Crowe.
3. “The Nicorette gum only comes in 2-mg. and 4-mg. doses… How come there are no 70-mg. pieces available for those few times when a user craves a Cuban cigar?” — Arnold Schwarzenegger.
4. “The romance of war is gone with gum! Sitting in a trench and waiting for the enemy to storm your position on a chilly and foggy autumn morning isn’t very romantic at all when chewing gum! I’m sure the enemy is smoking — them bastards!” — Harry, Prince of Wales.
5. “The Nicorette gum doesn’t do anything after sex… The one piece of gum is often replaced by 4-5 pieces of gum, and a ham sandwich, and leftover Chinese food.” — Lindsay Lohan.

Fact - Eventually you will need a girlfriend no matter how awesome you are.