Scudfish

1. Tinky Winky is not only gay… He is also a crossdresser who loves handbags.
2. Dipsy is Tinky Winky’s black and well-hung lover who loves to pimp himself out with hats and other funky accessories.
3. La La is that one chick that loves to hang out with non-threatening gay guys because she it too afraid of physical intimacy.
4. Po is a transgender alien being who knows it is too cute to be ignored, and uses it to manipulate people and other Tubbies.
5. Then there is Noo-noo the slave… Who something performs sexual favors on command for any Teletubby.
6. Tubby toast is simply the LSD that fuels all the sick and perverted activites of Teletubbyland.
7. Tubby custard is what BBC thinks of Christ and religion in general.

Broccoli I eat not.

1. Waiting for grandma to finish knitting you that toque, scarf, stocking and pair of mittens she started just before getting diagnosed with dementia, in 1972.
2. Excusing yourself and quickly drinking 5-6 long Long Island ice teas when your wife says: “We need to talk…” or “I have been thinking…” or “My mom says you tried to push her down the stair…”
3. Opening 5 bags of Lay’s potato chips and trying to eat only one… If you have a lot of toilet paper in the house — opening a total of 7 bags.
4. Trying to figure out how Donald Trump keeps his whacked out hairdo together without any visible mousse, gel, spray or spit.
5. Switching over to that great local French TV channel that only shows flexible women doing something that could be Yoga.

Sometimes me owner dresses me up — later at night I often try to bite her face.

1. We could simply fling our crap around and lose this shitty joint, and go at it like dirty monkeys!
2. I’d love to wear you like Hannibal Lecter wears his mask!
3. Come home to my place and play twister… I promise I won’t fart unless you really want to…
4. I would love to make you want to be buried in a Y-shaped coffin in the morning!
5. Want to come to my place and see my DeWalt DW650E Belt Sander and dungeon?

My hoe Stormy, was a realtrooper.

1. Burmese dishes that call for any kind of fermented shellfish (unless Swedish fermented herring can be used as a substitute).
2. Appetizers involving penises, testicles, rectums, snouts or tongues (unless stewed or smoked).
3. Gourmet meals that call for eyeballs from mammals (unless small enough to be eaten in one bite).
4. Meat dishes involving animals that are used as pets in the Western World (unless they are considered to be exceptionally ugly by most people’s standards).
5. Nouveau Cuisine dishes that involve virgin sacrifices and cucumbers (unless virgin sacrifices and zucchini can be used as substitutes).

1. Making balloon animals using regular elongated party balloons.
2. Pretending that I hadn’t discovered my older brother’s stash of Playboy magazines.
3. Staying awake late enough to finish watching even one episode of Space: 1999.
4. Curving a soccer ball more than an insignificant and pointless inch or two.
5. Peeing in the public swimming pool and not looking guilty.

Arch your back and go to town — kitty style.

1. A large Meat Lover’s Pizza for a year’s supply of Cashmere premium quality bathroom tissue.
2. Six pairs of Wal-Mart tube socks for an “I’m With Stoopid” t-shirt.
3. Handful of glass beads in different colors for a vintage “Maria-Rosa — The Cleaning Lady Love Doll”.
4. Partially eaten McDonald’s Sausage Egg McMuffin for a partially eaten “AAA” Rib Eye steak.
5. Battlefield Earth DVD for some rat poison or an Archie comic book.