Scudfish

1. “Bang!”
2. “Iron!”
3. “Hammered!”
4. “Tic-tac-toe!”
5. “His mother, sister and three-legged dog too!”

I tasted your root beer a little bit.

The below should be read as one sentence… As heard night after night, for hours on end, from the room next door at the Lakeshore Hospital (extreme whiner stoned on painkillers):

1. “Nurse… Nursee… NUUURSE… Open my door… Open it… Close the door… It’s cold in here… Where’s my sweater… Pants… I want a bath… Bath… Shampoo… Go away… Don’t leave me… Nurse… Nursee… NUUURSE… Where did you go… Hellooo… Where are you… Oh… Hello… Open my door… Open it… I’m leaving… Let me out… Get me a taxi… Nurse… Where are you taking me… I want my room… Tabby… Green slippers… Someone stole my slippers… Slippers… Ok, take them off me then… On the floor… What’s that on the floor… Hello… Bathtub… No… No… NOOO… YEEES… Nurse, I hate you… I want another nurse… Get me Lisa… I like Lisa… You are Lisa… I hate you, Lisa… Close my door… Open it… Get out… Nurse… Nursee… NUUURSE…”

King Olaf the Younger was vicious and hairless.

1. The turning a beer cap into a donut spell.
2. The adding another 12 ounces to that perfect prime rib spell.
3. The stop the nagging and get naked instead spell.
4. The disinfecting a public bathroom spell.
5. The transformation of a Jehovah’s Witness into a strip-o-gram spell.

French-kiss a derelict.

1. Leprechaun.
2. Werewolf.
3. Vampire.
4. Zombie.
5. Larry King.

My wife was a huge slut.

1. The more often you play twister, the greater the likelihood that you will eventually have a diarrhea related mishap.
2. If you drink until you get your fill, there’s still that one beer in the fridge that would have been perfect, had it actually still been there when you finally go for it.
3. Many people who believe that they can tap dance are completely delusional.
4. When you are going on a date where nothing should go wrong, you will either end up with a huge zit, a whole in your sock or end up holding back excessive gas.
5. The more hair gel you put in your hair, the more it will end up raining that day.

Wife number two was short and the top of head could hold a pint of beer.

Lots and lots of things could be said, and has been said about Anna Nicole Smith… But she was also a mother of a little baby girl.

Ok, I have to say something: she made puberty a splendorous thing for hundreds of millions of boys — turning into men. That’s not evil!

Helping puberty along might not be as glamorous as “working” to stop the use of landmines, but the former is still pretty ok with me.

1. R.I.P. Anna Nicole Smith’s boobies.

Some dogs taste like shit.

1. It can be used as a floating device for one of the Olsen twins if you are ever involved in a ferry disaster.
2. If gorillas rip it off at the zoo after you steal their bananas, you can simply continue teasing them.
3. You don’t have to worry all that much when you walk on your hands — out into a minefield.
4. There are fewer fingernails to bite, and it also saves you money as you can simply buy leftover stray mittens at church fairs.
5. You don’t even notice that you are having a second tequila related chainsaw mishap.

Tempting fate.

1. A very drunk Charlize Theron drives her car up on my lawn and rings the doorbell and tells me, “I’ll do anything if you don’t call the cops…” — on a night when my wife is home.
2. I get amazingly drunk and get the courage to go streaking at a Canadians vs. Maple Leafs game, but the hockey arena is so cold that the “shrinkage factor” makes me look like an ugly fat schoolgirl with extremely hairy legs.
3. George W. Bush calls me and asks for ideas how to end the madness in Iraq, and I don’t have a noose to send him.
4. Finally ending up in a Jacuzzi with the whole Buffalo Bills’ cheerleading squad and I happen to, by a million-to-one chance, wear my Green Bay Packers Speedo that day.
5. Getting mad cow disease while one on my multiple personalities is suffering from advanced syphilis.