Scudfish

1. Treat your French-Canadian wife with the same level of respect as you treat your chainsaw.
2. Never lick anything that looks like maple syrup unless it also smells like maple syrup.
3. Don’t try to strap a 1500-pound moose to the hood of your truck unless it’s very dead.
4. Only put your fingers in a beaver that won’t bite them off.
5. A “case of empties” equals 24 empty bottles of beer, or one full bottle of beer.

Grandma smells funny.

1. “I have finally made a home brew that tastes as good as a crappy commercial beer.”
2. “For over a year now I haven’t felt the urge to have romantic relations with my girlfriend’s Golden Retriever.”
3. “I love American Idol and I tape every single show. I enjoy cuddling up in bed with a glass of Chardonnay and watching the tapes in slow motion.”
4. “Art is my life. I even married my wife because she looks like a 18th century gargoyle.”
5. “My father plays in the NFL for the New England Patriots, Buffalo Bills or the Chicago Bears.”

She also owns her own brewery.

1. Dick “Tickler” Lipinski.
2. Harry “The Giant” Beaver.
3. Bobby “Boa” Furlong.
4. Moses “Beard” Shaver.
5. Red “Black and Blue” White.

Not Hillary — young Bill Clinton.

1. If a leper has licked the green peppers you bought at the grocery store.
2. If it was a dog that dug up your rose bush and took a dump on your front lawn.
3. If your seat at the movie theatre was previously occupied by Paris Hilton.
4. If the dollar bills in your kid’s piggy banks has been in a stripper’s thong.
5. If a person has lost a finger in the blender you bought at the garage sale.

Not food — food.

1. Karaoke machine.
2. Fruit smelling eraser.
3. Fat-free ice cream.
4. Rubik’s cube.
5. Sports bra.

Ninja pussy.