Scudfish

1. “Is it in yet, Tommy Lee? Eh, sorry, Steve? Paul? Your name was Paul, wasn’t it?”
2. “Lookie here! I have one too… But mine is a little bit bigger and harder.”
3. “Glad you enjoyed it… I learned that stuff while turning tricks at truck stops!”
4. “Thanks for digging in deep, that toy went missing at a high school band camp in 1973.”
5. “I’m sorry to hear that you are disappointed, but really, I never said, ‘I have blooms in my braids…’ I said, ‘I have full blown AIDS.’”

Overachievement - Makes you look awesome even though you did it by accident.

My eyes caused me to see in 2D and to accidentally date fat chicks.

1. He works as a very happy plummer in a woman’s prison.
2. He teaches pole dancing in refugee camps in South East Asia and Africa.
3. He is a serial killer who targets one-legged female ping-pong players.
4. He pimps out singing and tap dancing crack whores in Queens.
5. He works as a transsexual performance artist who hopes to one day be Rene Zellweger.

Patience - Good things come to those who wait.

Arrogant cats become paella on the Canary Islands.

1. “Of course I hit him! I freaked out… There I was sleeping, and next thing I know, there’s this skinny zombie naked in bed with me.”
2. “Yes, I might have thrown around some feces in the living room. But I mean, if he’s allowed to do it, why shouldn’t I? I’m the monkey for godssake!”
3. “Veterinarians were saying that I was going crazy and drugged me… There I was, alone, innocent and stoned out of my mind, with what I at the time thought was a gremlin, sharing my bed. Of course I was a bit confused…”
4. “I’m a chimpanzee… When I need to pee — I pee! Being told to hold it in until you make it to the bathroom to give Michael another golden shower, is just stupid.”
5. “I bit him! I’m proud to say it: I bit that fruit, as that’s what monkeys do!”

Coors Light - It might be the World’s most refreshing beer but it still makes kids dance like retards.

Football hooligans need to be spanked.

1. Thongs… I couldn’t deal with thongs… Especially if I would have to wear a mini-skirts… Can’t stand the thought of sitting down on anything public.
2. It’s expensive… I think it would cost me $50 - $60 bucks a week in razors and shaving cream, just to keep my legs shaven.
3. Heels… To be a respectable cross-dresser you have to be able to walk lady-like in heels. As I can’t keep upright even when walking in slippers, I would look like complete moron, especially after a bottle of Talisker.
4. Earrings… There’s no way I will ever voluntarily pierce any part of my body, and having bought many pairs or earring for my wife: clip-ons look like crap!
5. Couldn’t stand getting drunk in a bar and being picked up by Eddie Murphy and becoming a blurb in every newspaper on the planet.