Scudfish

1. The main ingredients in TAG body spray are: fermented goat urine, paint thinner and leftover content from other poor quality body sprays. This combination has been scientifically proven to drive feebleminded and homeless women mad with desire.
2. Police officers are not allowed to give you a speeding ticket, if you drive with the hazards on while naked, on a road that is near a hospital or a daycare center. Speeding tickets can’t be issued by law if there seems be some form of emergency involving medical care or children’s care.
3. All the secrets in the TV series Lost are revealed in the first episode, but you have to view the whole show in reverse and in slow motion. The TV also has to be placed upside down and viewed backwards through a mirror.
4. People with excessive piercings will over time become immune to the bird flu, the Ebola virus and the bubonic plague, due to the hardening metals used in gold and silver jewelry, which are being absorbed into their bodies. Some individuals with piercings in their eyebrows will also develop x-ray vision and magical powers that enable flight.
5. Nostradamus has foretold that the nation of extreme wealth and boredom (U.S.A) will in 2008 elect a leader (president) that will start a war on “wangs”. This war will result in the complete and utter destruction of the porn industry in California or the state of California itself (depending if you interpret “wangs” as penises or China).

Stuff - Things you need to distract yourself from the fact you do not get laid often enough.

The day my buddy died playing Steve Irwin.

1. “Yes, it’s unfortunate, sir, but shotguns have always worked that way… The slim end is where the pellets come out.”
2. “No sir, covering him in campaign stickers will not take care of the bleeding… We need to get him to the hospital!”
3. “Let me check, sir: Yes, he’s still alive… The good news is that the bottle of tequila and your bong are ok also!”
4. “Sir, that’s not a quail… It’s not even a bird. He is of the same species as Dan Quayle — a republican semi-human.”
5. “Please stop crying, sir, you won’t have to go to jail… You are the Vice President and you can do whatever heck you want. Do you wish me to finish him off for you?”

Nunchucks - Because retards are not allowed to buy Glocks.

As serious as trouble can be.

1. Factory setting of the password to access the iPhone menu options is: iaManAPpleHOe.
2. Default ring tone: “Nah, na, na, na, na, nah… I have an Apple iPhone… Nah…”
3. Apple iPhones are only 12 mm. thick and when sat on, they easily break into iPod nanos and regular sub par cell phones.
4. Baby icon in the menu options is used to automatically sell your first born to pay for the ridiculous prices that Cingular charges for their plans.
5. Taser International supplied the stun gun feature for the iPhone to help owners fight off all the muggers that will be coming after them.
6. Built-in screensaver shows Apple CEO Steve Jobs giving the finger to Nokia, Sony-Ericsson and Motorola.
7. Unfortunately, the Apple iPhones are only shipped with iTunes and iPhones software… Granted, even a retarded hobbit can operate them — but the new SW still doesn’t give you any options to adapt them to your needs.
8. Most important accessory for the iPhone at the release date: $29.99 rubber case, which will when placed on the phone (and inside a $49.99 leather case) almost protect it from being scratched up after the first day.
9. Apple iPhone connectability is simply fantastic. It can easily be hooked up to anything: even to a Nintendo Wii, church Bingo cage or an easy-bake oven!
10. Battery-life: as always, when it comes to Apple gadgets: it’s pretty much non-existent. Then again, people that will be buying this thing don’t care about usability. It’s mainly about looking cool… Until the iPhone nano comes out.

    The Apple iPhone gets 6.5 out of 10 Scuds as a rating.

Disney World - Is not where you are going.

Swedish figure skating is not as good as hockey.

1. Asking: 0 — 3 years of marriage.
2. Asking and pleading: 3 — 8 years of marriage.
3. Asking, pleading and bitching: 8 — 17 years of marriage.
4. Asking, pleading, bitching and screaming: 17 — 24 years of marriage.
5. Asking: (or stepping on his oxygen supply hose) +24 years of marriage.