Scudfish

1. Human Papilloma Virus.
2. Diethylstilbestrol.
3. Cervical Radiculopathy.
4. Candidiasis.
5. Pruritus Vulvae.

Armadillos — Even God’s ugliest creatures can be turned in to beautiful baskets.

Seal hunting season is here.

1. Total of US $14 billion offered by 462 different African dictators or their wives, accountants or bank managers, simply because I’m supposedly an honest, God-fearing and handsome individual).
2. Total of US $780 million won from different lottery organizations, including those from United Nations, Greenpeace and some guy called Devon (who accidentally also included his cell phone number to my great amusement for three weeks, before the number was finally cancelled).
3. Total of US $25 million in free sample watches if I had first spent US $16 million buying genuine Rolex, Gucci and TAG Heuer replicas. The sum is a little bit low, as it doesn’t include the money that I would have lost if they had gotten got hold of my credit card number.
4. Total of US $180 million in Viagra and Cialis “extra bonus” pills if I would have only spent US $102 million ordering pills within 24 hours. I calculate that if I had ordered the boner pills, and taken one every four hours, I would have had a hard-on until our sun turns into a Supernova. It would also have made my wife very tired and aggravated.
5. Total of US $483 million in free software if I first would have spent US $80 million buying other illegal software that I would never have used either.

   Free money and value of products that I could have gained so far with some foresight: US $15,270 billion.

Safety reminders — Keeping your children safe does not have to cost a lot of money.

You are not gay if you don’t moan.

1. The main ingredients in TAG body spray are: fermented goat urine, paint thinner and leftover content from other poor quality body sprays. This combination has been scientifically proven to drive feebleminded and homeless women mad with desire.
2. Police officers are not allowed to give you a speeding ticket, if you drive with the hazards on while naked, on a road that is near a hospital or a daycare center. Speeding tickets can’t be issued by law if there seems be some form of emergency involving medical care or children’s care.
3. All the secrets in the TV series Lost are revealed in the first episode, but you have to view the whole show in reverse and in slow motion. The TV also has to be placed upside down and viewed backwards through a mirror.
4. People with excessive piercings will over time become immune to the bird flu, the Ebola virus and the bubonic plague, due to the hardening metals used in gold and silver jewelry, which are being absorbed into their bodies. Some individuals with piercings in their eyebrows will also develop x-ray vision and magical powers that enable flight.
5. Nostradamus has foretold that the nation of extreme wealth and boredom (U.S.A) will in 2008 elect a leader (president) that will start a war on “wangs”. This war will result in the complete and utter destruction of the porn industry in California or the state of California itself (depending if you interpret “wangs” as penises or China).

Stuff — Things you need to distract yourself from the fact you do not get laid often enough.

The day my buddy died playing Steve Irwin.

1. “Yes, it’s unfortunate, sir, but shotguns have always worked that way… The slim end is where the pellets come out.”
2. “No sir, covering him in campaign stickers will not take care of the bleeding… We need to get him to the hospital!”
3. “Let me check, sir: Yes, he’s still alive… The good news is that the bottle of tequila and your bong are ok also!”
4. “Sir, that’s not a quail… It’s not even a bird. He is of the same species as Dan Quayle — a republican semi-human.”
5. “Please stop crying, sir, you won’t have to go to jail… You are the Vice President and you can do whatever heck you want. Do you wish me to finish him off for you?”

Nunchucks — Because retards are not allowed to buy Glocks.

As serious as trouble can be.