Scudfish

Arthur Conan Doyle was an amazing writer that made Sherlock Holmes into a pretty recognizable character… His Sherlock Holmes has also made some quite famous and thought provoking quotes!

I don’t know about you, but I always thought that the quotes seemed to be a little bit “too much”.

I have on occasion wondered what some of those famous quotes would look like, if they ended with: “another man’s penis.” Well, here they are:

1. Eliminate all other factors, and the one which remains must be (another man’s penis).
2. You know my method. It is founded on the observance of (another man’s penis).
3. There is nothing more deceptive than (another man’s penis).
4. I never guess. It is a shocking habit — destructive to (another man’s penis).
5. Crime is common. Logic is (another man’s penis).
6. Any truth is better than (another man’s penis).
7. It is stupidity rather than courage to refuse to recognize danger when it’s close upon (another man’s penis).
8. The most difficult crime to track is (another man’s penis).
9. A man always finds it hard to realize that he may have finally lost a woman’s love, however badly he may have treated (another man’s penis).
10. Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself; but talent instantly recognizes (another man’s penis).

Work stinks.

1. Best acting in a role featuring a mentally challenged individual, drunk disillusioned detective or the abused wife of a sadistic maniac.
2. Best actor in a role originally turned down by Will Smith, Leonardo DiCaprio, Cuba Gooding Jr., Tom Cruise and Harrison Ford.
3. Best actress in a role featuring excessive cleavage, skintight outfits or ¼ frontal nudity — shot through ridiculously softening lens filters.
4. Best portrayal of an elf, hobbit, leprechaun, mermaid, alien or an avant-garde artist.
5. Best actor in a role that could have been done much better by Tom Hanks, one of his kids, parents or family dog.

I quit.

1. Potato masher.
2. Grater.
3. Salad spinner.
4. Funnel.
5. Garlic press.

Happiness can also be to piss down someone’s back.

1. Human Papilloma Virus.
2. Diethylstilbestrol.
3. Cervical Radiculopathy.
4. Candidiasis.
5. Pruritus Vulvae.

Seal hunting season is here.

1. Start a home renovation project.
2. Paint cool flames on your minivan using leftover aerosol cans.
3. Chop firewood out of your neighbor’s 80 ft. tall Silver Maple.
4. Try to figure out a way to sharpen the lawnmower while it’s running.
5. Dress up in your sexy Halloween outfit and go trick-or-treating — in April.

1. Total of US $14 billion offered by 462 different African dictators or their wives, accountants or bank managers, simply because I’m supposedly an honest, God-fearing and handsome individual).
2. Total of US $780 million won from different lottery organizations, including those from United Nations, Greenpeace and some guy called Devon (who accidentally also included his cell phone number to my great amusement for three weeks, before the number was finally cancelled).
3. Total of US $25 million in free sample watches if I had first spent US $16 million buying genuine Rolex, Gucci and TAG Heuer replicas. The sum is a little bit low, as it doesn’t include the money that I would have lost if they had gotten got hold of my credit card number.
4. Total of US $180 million in Viagra and Cialis “extra bonus” pills if I would have only spent US $102 million ordering pills within 24 hours. I calculate that if I had ordered the boner pills, and taken one every four hours, I would have had a hard-on until our sun turns into a Supernova. It would also have made my wife very tired and aggravated.
5. Total of US $483 million in free software if I first would have spent US $80 million buying other illegal software that I would never have used either.

   Free money and value of products that I could have gained so far with some foresight: US $15,270 billion.