Scudfish

1. She has paid for all the movie tickets, burgers and condoms.
2. She has shown that she is very much into body painting for Super Bowl, your birthday and when you get home from work.
3. She has shown her devotion to you by turning one of her pets in to jerky when you need “something salty” to munch on at 4am.
4. She has brought you several bottles of beer between her breasts and has opened them all between her butt cheeks.
5. She has only nagged for more sex, medium-rare veal scallops, and to wash your hockey gear.

A pussy that will take your finger off.

1. Plummer’s Surprise (Blended Leftovers).
2. The Farmer’s Cats (Daily Blend).
3. Wife Beater’s (Special Blend).
4. The Drooling Charmer (Single Malt).
5. Speak Scottish ((Like a) 4 Year Old).

Training the dog to be a female companion.

1. “Oh, crap! I think my $49.99 one got stuck on a log!”
2. “It’s in the tree and I’m too drunk to climb it, but I’ll try anyway.”
3. “Yes, you can borrow it, but I will kick your dog if you lose it!”
4. “It’s green and blue with orange dots, and oddly enough — it works!”
5. “Don’t let me down you little bastard as I forgot the hotdogs at home!”

Not me — Not me — It was me.

1. Be naked or wear something that you can quickly get out of (even when Russell-Crove-drunk).
2. Bring premium beer, Single Malt Whisky or a couple of bottles of good quality wine.
3. Don’t mention the “Watchtower”… You have a much better chance getting into my house if you instead say, “We are here for a honking good time!” or, “Let’s get naked!”
4. Please state the last time you combed your hair, cut your toenail and had yourself checked for STDs.
5. Witnesses that have been walking around all day, please wash up in the sprinkler on the front lawn (feel free to help yourself to the bar of soap in the blue kid’s watering can).

It takes resources — not brains — to be a superpower.

1. Do we really need turn signals on our cars? People rarely use them anyway, and the people that do simply turn them on when they leave their driveway only to turn them off when they arrive at their destinations.
2. Shouldn’t it be made mandatory that women who wear ridiculously small bikinis at public pools also carry color coded balloons — indicating if they mind being gawked at or not? It would relieve so much stress and anxiety for all parties if this idea were implemented.
3. In order to create a sense of community and belonging in big cities: why not have weekend hangings off annoying people? Surely you must know a few cab drivers, grocery store clerks and bartenders that we would all do better without?
4. Please deal with nonsense on TV, especially primetime award shows. Instead of mindless cackling and strutting — make it a law that the loser of each category is administered a brutal beating. Make it interesting! Make the world a better place — it’s easy!
5. Tax crappy tattoos! Seriously, no one needs to see a rose that looks like it has been drawn by a third-grader or a 400-pound Snoopy on a fat housewife’s ass.

Going after Spiderman — slowly.