Scudfish

As it seems some think that these “quotes” are inappropriate and could be confused with the “real thing!” (based on threats of libel lawsuits from lawyers representing celebrities). I have modified this page to help make it even clearer for people with sub-par IQs that this is satire and humour, like everything on this website. It also saves me the time to have to reply to emails, no matter how ridiculously unfounded they may be: Libel - Satire - Humour doesn’t work on the same page in the United States or anywhere else in the world that doesn’t have a dictatorship.

Yes, I guess I could have left the names on the page and simply made it clearer (even for the dumbest of the dumb (the ones that belong in institutions) that it’s satire, but people are getting way too worked up about this, so the names have been removed to spare them the grief…

I do find it a bit disheartening to see celebrities (ok, their lawyers) actually bothering with my little weblog.

The names are gone, and the world is safe from another horrific evil… I hope everyone will be sleeping a little bit better from now on.

Risto Klint

1. “Fall season is beautiful… I cry when I see the leaves turn and homeless people preparing their dens for winter.”
2. “People are very nice to me and they call me nice names like ‘apple tart’ or ‘that sweet tart.’”
3. “I throw parties… wild parties! Once I even had Barbara Walters take a dump in my pool — now that’s wild!”
4. “Driving a race car isn’t anymore difficult than driving an SUV while doing your own bikini wax.”
5. “I prayed to God and I sold my soul to Satan at the same time, and the Germans ended up loving me!”
6. “There’s a guy out there for me… A sweet guy who plays the guitar, cooks and doesn’t wear my pantyhose.”
7. “As a counsellor in a maximum-security prison I saw enough dirty tattoos to last me a life time. I just loved them!”
8. “On an acting scale I’m nothing more than a skidmark in Tom Cruise’s underwear right now. But one day…”
9. “My hobby is to eat a lot and then sit on people.”
10. “I think I might freak out a little bit if I ever discovered a disembowelled corpse in my bathtub again…”
11. “People often mistake me for a male prostitute because I always wear t-shirts of famous boy bands — and I like it!”
12. “I don’t care what people think they saw on my boob at Super Bowl — I’m not a Borg!”
13. “I love grooming kittens but once a kitten becomes a ‘cat’ I get rid of the fu**er… Kittens rule — cats don’t!”
14. “Being a successful producer is like making love to sheep: you have to know when to be stern or nothing gets done.”
15. “I love dancing, painting, reading, cooking and pulling my nipples — and preferably all at the same time.”
16. “Screw Greenpeace and treehuggers — my purpose in life is to make British teeth a fashion statement!”
17. “In Canada I was a ‘horrific abomination of nature’… In LA I’m the ‘really freaky looking gay dude’ - b-e-t-t-e-r!”
18. “I do realize that I’m starting to look more and more like a bag of bones — but my arse is still plump!”
19. “I live in France because excessive wine and cheese induced flatulence isn’t frowned upon over there.”
20. “I’m loved by many but also truly hated by the ones I have bitten.”
21. “I was romantically linked to Rowan Atkinson when we taped our ‘Blackadder’ series’… But honestly, it was just about the sex!” —
22. “After killing my puppy with a hammer at age 3, I knew I wanted to be an actor because acting is just like lying!”
23. “Eating out a woman is like eating Sushi, if you don’t need to chew more than a couple of times — it’s all good!”
24. “Being a cocaine addict is a lot of work! I hate getting up stoned at 5 am to dance my arse off in the kitchen.”
25. “I love my coffee and crack pipe first thing in the morning. It’s the choice breakfast of Hollywood actresses!”
26. “Three blade razors rock! I’m hairier than a Bulgarian lumberjack and I have no razor burns — anywhere!”
27. “My hobby is nipple piercing… Even my Rottweiler ‘Elzie’ has them — in all her eight nipples!”
28. “I’m not ‘gay’… I’m just extremely ‘giddy’ and scratch myself a lot.”
29. “Singing is my life! Getting gangbanged in the tour bus is good too, but singing is what really satisfies me.”
30. “I only wear clothes sewn by child labour in India because them’ Indian kids need to eat too!”
31. “Women love me because I’m funny and beautiful and because I can lick the logo off any golf ball.”
32. “I love witchcraft and skinning small mammals… You can’t buy one, so I’m making my own hamster coat!”
33. “I think I’m most famous for being able to fit one of my fists into my mouth.”
34. “Black shiny bowling balls have fascinated me ever since I was a little girl. I love to hold balls up to my chin!”
35. “I love the cafes of LA… I often just sit with a Latte and slowly move two fingers in and out my mouth.”
36. “It brings me great joy to drive around in my Porsche and squish squirrels, raccoons and homeless people”
37. “I’m sooo happy that I found someone to impregnate me. For once there will be something coming out of me!”
38. “Being married to a biker dude rocks! When I have a ‘headache’ he just gets drunk and goes out and bangs some strippers.”
39. “My parents groomed me hard as a child actor. They now live in a small, but quaint, cardboard box in Alabama.”
40. “I’m married to a horse and my mother just won’t die… Of course I believe in hell!”
41. “I have the second largest urinal cake collection in the world… It’s only topped by Quentin Tarantino’s!”
42. “I’m so darned cute that even Clint Eastwood asked if he could do me!”
43. “I go out to nightclubs and purposely fart around big gatherings in order to stir up fights. That’s how much I love boxing.”
44. “Babies are so cool! Once you make your own you can do whatever heck you want with them!”
45. “I’m the ultimate catch: I look great and I’m wicked in bed… I also bake the most amazing banana bread!”
46. “I hope to one day meet a straight man that prefers cuddles over The Super Bowl, beer and chicken wings.”
47. “I took up singing because I wanted to buy a canoe… You can’t make that money turning tricks in trailer parks!”
48. “When I was just a little turd I used to dream that I would become the King of Namibia! Who freakin’ knew, eh?”
49. “I love acting because there is always plenty of toilet paper to go around, even on the cheapest of sets!”
50. “I love my lips! They help me suck the life essences out of my, and other women’s husbands.”
51. “Ben Affleck’s first choice for someone to marry and have babies with — was me! Couldn’t do it… he’s a loser.”
52. “I developed my dimples as a kid — I used to obsessively chew on things that I thought was black liquorice.”
53. “I’m famous because of the ‘Black Eyed Peas’ and for being wet-nursed by my grandmother until I was 17.”
54. “I will ‘die by the sword’ before reaching thirty, or get shot for something completely pointless, like wearing panties.”
55. “I like the woman Paris Hilton very much. It was fun bonking someone with the same name as myself!”
56. “I love Korean people, they are so cute! I love the funny way they talk and how they dance and wash themselves.”
57. “Sometimes I like to overdose on PCP just so that I will be beaten by police and fondled by paramedics.”
58. “I’m a huge Elvis fan! It’s wasn’t until a couple of years ago that I shaved off my sideburns.”
59. “My greatest fears are the colour green and unexpectedly running out of batteries for my man-toy!”
60. “I hope to be like Brad Pitt one day — rich and married to a woman with ridiculously big lips, bosom and buttocks!”
61. “I love my pet goat ‘Pedro’ and he loves me, especially after I feed him ridiculous amounts of Viagra.”
62. “I did the whole town of Corpus Christi as a teenager — even the one homeless guy living there. It came in handy when auditioning for Desperate Housewives!”
63. “I had weird dream once where I died and Charles married a horse, and my sons turned in to drunken pothead nazis!”
64. “Me being a ‘Sir’ doesn’t make me “Count Dracula”… Sucking Poodles dry is perfectly normal in the UK!”
65. “I love getting stoned and then trying to tattoo myself with over-commercialized cartoon characters.”
66. “Trust me! I’ve been on Donald Trump’s face more times than his zits — he wears a wig… I think…”
67. “I only dye my pubes… No matter who you are — doing it with grandpa is not very hot. Soul Patrol!”
68. “I look like your average grandpa and I’m hung like a toy poodle, but women still love me for my voice and wallet.”
69. “Honestly… I’m a rare one amongst female tennis players: I’m beautiful, athletic and not a dyke!”
70. “I lick things… That’s what I do… That’s who I am! My dream is to one day lick clean a whole Taco Bell restaurant!”
71. “I’m called ‘the girl of a million faces’ even though I haven’t sat on nearly as many!”
72. “New York is the melting pot for all the weirdos in the world. I love it because of my excessive sweat glands.”
73. “I shhhneach cha chooohoko noala kaka… Kekiinhshae… wooonicha mammoiy… Ihadaaa Kurt Cobain killedaaaa.”
74. “It was during the ‘Little House on the Prairie’ that I started my famous and very extensive collection of mouse droppings.”
75. “It’s quite elementary — I rather suck on the men’s golf tour than be raped on the women’s one!”
76. “It’s freaky… In high school I was voted most likely to contract herpes from a 79-year-old movie producer!”
77. “I love being on tour except when the guys horse-around and force me to lick the backstage toilet seats.”
78. “My name is ‘Keanu’ not ‘Neo’ you retarded bunch of never-to-be-laid-computer-geeks!”
79. “Being an actress is great because you get to do neat stuff — like throwing up on Quentin Tarantino at parties!”
80. “The love scene in Brokeback Mountain wasn’t that tough for me… Heath Ledger wasn’t really all that hard.”
81. “I once accidentally sat down on a bowling pin, and I haven’t dated since. Men? Who needs them?”
82. “I love designer clothes, stepping on small rodents and running naked through my neighbours’ sprinkler!”
83. “I party so hard that ‘roofies’ only give me a slight buzz even after downing a quart of tequila for breakfast”
84. “Working truck stops and doing ‘favours’ for truckers was rough on me… Thank God for plastic surgery and acting!”
85. “I took up acting after getting my chin caught in an elevator door for three days — it really made me think!”
86. “Even Trekkies have started hating me for all those untimely Star Trek reruns on television!”
87. “When I marry, it will be to a man that leaves me feeling like a clubbed seal pup on our wedding night!”
88. “I love Hawaii! The native women are stunning and there a lot of beautifully shaped coconuts to sit on!”
89. “I don’t hate jews… I just don’t like em’ that’s all… I was drunk and stoned and hadn’t gotten laid in months, ok? I just didn’t know what I was saying!”
90. “I would marry an Italian man if I could find one who wasn’t excessively hairy and in love with his mother.”
91. “I suffer from a gastro infliction, which has emptied many West Wing sets… My gastro and acting brings my great joy!”
92. “I love to cuddle with cute chicks that don’t eat too much corn that make them crap all over my sheets.”
93. “You know you are famous when people play games like ‘Six Degrees of not doing Minnie Driver!’”
94. “You know, I should be a miner… I can suck a diamond out of anything, even when lying on my back!”
95. “One day I will record something that won’t make people puke out their car windows when I’m on the radio!”
96. “I freaking hate elves… At Christmas time I travel the malls and kick them in the nuts!”
97. “Ok, I might be over the hill as a footballer… But I still get to ball the porky chick from Spice Girls!”
98. “When I’m drunk I’m either groping you or taking a dump on your lawn — live with it!”
99. “The secret to my fascinating hairdo is employee spit… Whenever I need it fixed up — I fire one!”
100. “It would make my wife very happy if Viagra also cured constipation and got rid oversized liver spots.”

We were really cool in Poland.

1. Booking “just the right” airline ticket and hotel room for the rat-faced bastard because he or she is supposedly too busy “networking” (throwing up in yet another punchbowl at yet another celebrity party).
2. Setting up seven martini lunches with other celebrity’s assistants who act snootier than you do. Nothing ever gets decided on until the Association of Celebrity Personal Assistants (ACPA) seniority pecking order has been established, and of course before coming to an agreement on who of your celebrities are more in the tabloids (more important) at the moment.
3. Taking all those new (quote: “scary but pretty-looking…”) toilet paper designs for a test drive because your emperor or empress doesn’t want untested and potentially debilitating things near their sphincter.
4. In the feature film movie credits you get listed after the seamstress, caterer, pool boy, cleaning lady and the mentally challenged (but sweet) guy that tended to pets.
5. Pre-chewing and spoon-feeding scrambled eggs and bacon to your master or mistress when they are too hung-over or stoned in the morning to move even one jaw muscle.
6. Embarrassing negotiations with prostitutes and pimps regarding depraved sexual acts that you used to perform for free before “earning your stripes (literally)” and being accepted into the Association of Celebrity Personal Assistants (ACPA).
7. Being laughed at by the press, when standing in for the designated public relations person, and trying to spin “fucking Jew” into “didgeridoo” even thought it was all caught on camera by several bipartisan and respected organizations affiliated with the United Nations.
8. You have to suffer through years of humiliation before you get a courtesy executive producer credit for a pointless documentary that nobody except your friends and family will see the credits of.
9. Trying to convince yourself that you are doing something really “important” and “difficult” even though everyone on the planet knows that you are as easily replaced as a makeshift butt-plug in a back alley adult movie production.
10. Getting fired for completely losing perspective and a sense of humor (which happens to all personal assistants eventually, due to mindless multi-tasking of insignificant shit) and bringing attention to something that nobody would have ever noticed had you not lit a huge neon sign over it.

I remember liking my mom’s co-worker, Barbie.

Release date: when “Borat” has been milked drier than a 3-month-old antelope carcass in the Serengeti desert.

However, you don’t need to wait to get the details… Here’s a preview:

1. The frat boys didn’t get their moustaches shaved off before they were liquored up at all… The extras show that they were genuinely sexist, moronic and very average students from the University of South Carolina.
2. Borat is shown revealing the real content of his little “toilet baggie” to the host of the dinner part: it just contains a regular British turd and not a fake Kazak one as implied. Hilarity ensues as Borat comes clean about his true identity, and the baggie gets a honourable place on the fireplace mantle. Chocolate mousse cake follows for dessert and everyone participates in a messy food fight.
3. The naked-romp-clips from the hotelroom shows that it wasn’t a real fight as depicted. The extras reveal that Borat and his “producer” Azamat were just horsing around… Once they are escorted back to their hotel room, they empty the mini-bar and wash each other’s hairy backs in the shower for most of the night.
4. Pamela Anderson is shown rehearsing her own kidnapping… She stuffs herself into the Kazak wedding bag and then tries to carry herself off, but fails miserably: over and over again. But it’s revealed that luckily some pot was made available to her before the ‘real’ fake kidnapping scene and it all goes as expected — yet another not-even-close-to-an-Oscar performance by Pamela.
5. As should be obvious from the movie: Borat of course fails his driving lesson miserably… He never gets his license as he forgets to keep his left-turn signal on for the duration of the trip, as is federal law when driving under the influence. The best bit in this extra is when he hits a squirrel, which he shaves, and the hairs are added to his moustache.

Foreplay can be a lot of work.

As it seems some think that these “quotes” are inappropriate and could be confused with the “real thing!” (based on threats of libel lawsuits from lawyers representing celebrities). I have modified this page to help make it even clearer for people with sub-par IQs that this is satire and humour, like everything on this website. It also saves me the time to have to reply to emails, no matter how ridiculously unfounded they may be: Libel - Satire - Humour doesn’t work on the same page in the United States or anywhere else in the world that doesn’t have a dictatorship.

Yes, I guess I could have left the names on the page and simply made it clearer (even for the dumbest of the dumb (the ones that belong in institutions) that it’s satire, but people are getting way too worked up about this, so the names have been removed to spare them the grief…

I do find it a bit disheartening to see celebrities (ok, their lawyers) actually bothering with my little weblog.

The names are gone, and the world is safe from another horrific evil… I hope everyone will be sleeping a little bit better from now on.

Risto Klint

1. “The most romantic thing is to make love on a beach with no seagulls to shit on you.”
2. “I hope to one day win an Oscar, or if worse comes to worst, one of those blow up mattresses at church bingo.”
3. “It’s my nose! I can smell other player’s jockstraps from a mile away! That’s my real strength as a quarterback…”
4. “I love traveling to New Zealand. Over there, I spend time in the pastures — wrestling and biting sheep!”
5. “My whole life revolves around pork chops… I eat and wear them… Sometimes I even make sweet love to one!”
6. “People find me cute even though I beat my servants with a rusty tail pipe from a 1972 Ford Pinto!”
7. “I know I make sane people gag with the ’schlock’ I perform, but I have bills to pay!”
8. “I named my dogs after what I at the time thought were the Greek Gods ‘Herpes’ and ‘Syphilis.’”
9. “I find inspiration and focus in nature, while catapulting unwashed homeless people over great distances!”
10. “I own an apple orchard in California, which I frequent with my lady friends for orgies in vats of peel and pulp!”
11. “When I’m not working I spend my days grooming the beards of homeless men — I love their toothless smiles!”
12. “I have only been arrested once, for forcefully milking a hedgehog at a Hollywood Starbucks, but that’s it!”
13. “I love this business! If I wasn’t an overrated actor, I would the guy that wet nurses other actor’s pets on set.”
14. “I know that I will eventually win my very own Oscar to sit on, and it’s going to be sweet!”
15. “Guys love my wet-camel-smelling aroma! Especially when they get a whiff of me from across the street!”
16. “The Scientology ’silent birth’ thing was a bunch of crap… Tom jumped up and down in bed like a retard!”
17. “I used to have my socks baptized before wearing them but I’m medicated now. I still talk to spiders though!”
18. “Being a director of a movie is more work than herding a bunch of stoned Hobbits into Mount Doom.”
19. “I love killing and cooking things… With a good spice rack — any mammal can be turned in to a scrumptious meal.”
20. “My career highlight was ‘A fish called Wanda’ where I had 163 takes smelling Jamie Lee Curtis’ boots.”
21. “When not performing, I enjoy spending time with a couple of skinny white chicks and a big bucket of lard.”
22. “You need to work hard if you want to make it as an actress… Being able to shoot ping-pong balls out of your vagina will only take you so far.”
23. “People often confuse me for a well-basted Christmas turkey when I don’t wear a shirt. It sucks!”
24. “I tried a ‘new’ goofy 80s hairdo to distract people from my horrible acting… But that didn’t work either!”
25. “I hate to break it to the boys out there… But it’s true: I was a man once! In the Bronx I was called: Steve…”
26. “Paying $3000 for lobster, caviar and champagne is well worth it if it’s for a good cause — or a good tax write off!”
27. “I love chewing tobacco and fly-fishing more than life itself! Or as I say, ‘tobacco spit is the icing on the trout.’”
28. “People respect me because I’m willing to take one for the team — on the field and if need be, in the showers after the games!”
29. “I enjoy spending my spare time bass fishing, playing croquet and throwing pine cones at my kitten ‘Satan!’”
30. “‘Brokeback Mountain’ changed my life! I never realized that a man’s lips and touch could be as soft as a woman’s.”
31. “Part from his herpes and clinical obsession with my cellulites, Ashton Kutcher is a wonderful man-boy!”
32. “I often get in to trouble with the law because I can’t pronounce my own name when drunk out of my mind.”
33. “Being a spokeswoman for Weight Watchers gives my life meaning as I get to meet bigger lard arses than myself.”
34. “I accidentally floated over from Cuba on a makeshift raft made out of Rum bottles — and I now star on ‘Lost’! How cool is that?”
35. “Self-respecting women should only get naked in the privacy of their own home… or for a lot money or sushi!”
36. “I gave up a promising curling career to become an actor, and I’m now almost a footnote in movie history!”
37. “I like to eat a lot; and everything! If it moves I will step on it and put it in a blender and make an omelette!”
38. “Biting the head off of something to stop if from moving, or barking - now, that’s real Chinese food!”
39. “My best advice to other actors? Never ’schtupp’ your agent until they get you a gig with Steven Spielberg!”
40. “The bra is very important inventions as it enable women to compete in cheerleading and skip roping competitions on ESPN.”
41. “I will date a lot of girls when I finally grow some body hair. Mom says I have a lot of lost time to make up for!”
42. “Going from modelling to acting is hard work as it requires more talent and tougher skin on your knees.”
43. “TV requires discipline! In fact, I would rather be on TV than at home playing with my knob on the days that it works.”
44. “My only regret is not doing Jennifer Aniston at the time when she was putting out to anyone with a SAG card.”
45. “I thought about calling myself ‘Ridiculous’ but my record label encouraged me to consider another name.”
46. “I always carry a large rucksack with rhubarb wherever I go. When I get an anxiety attack, I sit on one.”
47. “I love chess…. Well, chess pieces really… My favourite are the ponies, they are so cute! Sometimes I even lick them!”
48. “Ketchup! I freaking love ketchup! I wash myself and my car with it, and sometimes I even eat it!”
49. “Ok, so I love wearing licuorice panties… Big deal! Eminem and 50 Cent should mind their own business!”
50. “Mine are real! Why would I go for floppy ones with inverted nipples if I paid for plastic surgery?”
51. “I love acting because I get to do all kinds of nasty and disgusting things without suffering any consequences.”
52. “In my spare time I teach homeless people how to make portable mansions out of cardboard.”
53. “My dad is a famous Italian glass blower. My Thai mother plays the tuba… I know I can make it big in Hollywood!”
54. “I can’t wait for Demi to be in her seventies! Bending an old hot lady over her walker has long been a dream of mine!”
55. “I’m not a party freak! I prefer romantic nights at home with my Labrador Retriever and a jar of peanut butter.”
56. “My hairy back used to scare off a lot of boyfriends when was in I my teens. But not that I’m D-list celebrity — it’s cool!”
57. “I’m looking for other roles where I can bench press other people or their animals… I’m Xena goddamnit!”
58. “I’m not retarded per se… Doctors graciously refer to me as being ‘happy - with licking himself tendencies.’”
59. “I’m good at playing the violin and downing Southern Comfort shooters without projectile vomiting.”
60. “I moved to The States to get away from the smell of Raclette cheese and all those unshaven Swiss legs!”
61. “Other D-list celebrities are thinking about having car crashes too, as it worked so great for me!”
62. “‘Q’Orianka’ is Hawaiian and means ’she who will skin dolphins alive to get what she wants.’”
63. “I credit my most interesting voice to always getting my lips stuck on everything as a child.”
64. “My voiceover for ‘Puss in boots’ showed my depth — people no longer see me as an uptight grease ball.”
65. “In the movie business it’s important to have a spine or you will be crawling a lot of vomit stained red carpets.”
66. “I know that people often confuse me for a hobbit suffering from advanced syphilis — but really, I’m a rapper!”
67. “I thank Voodoo for my career… Look at me! I’m black, floppy grandma boobs, cellulite butt — still kicking it!”
68. “I know I’m hot… When I sweat through my shirt, dogs start licking themselves! Nuff’ said!”
69. “I can’t afford jets like John Travolta but I can easily hire more hookers than my tongue can cope with. So, yes, life is good.”
70. “I have thought about rhinoplasty but it’s just a question of time before I get my nose caught in a cab door again!”
71. “I’m the only woman in Hollywood who can lick herself all-over. Some doctors think my father was an iguana!”
72. “I’m a militant Christian and as often as I possibly can, I’m out preaching celibacy in LA area strip clubs.”
73. “I will refuse toilet paper as long as child labour is used to roll up the paper. Kids should be making shoes!”
74. “Every day I thank Christ the Lord for my career and finely shaped and ample buttocks.”
75. “When I was younger I was always the ‘bell of the ball’ but since I took up acting it’s more ‘balls on my chin.’”
76. “I was ashamed of my goofy face until I discovered that I had a mouth and a tongue there! Hollywood rules, man!”
77. “I was born in Honolulu, Hawaii and I still love visiting for the scenery and turtle clubbing expeditions.”
78. “At parties I often end up molesting people’s houseplants while wearing nothing but a thin layer of margarine.”
79. “I hate ‘relaxing’ bike rides with the family — my husband is goddamn Lance Armstrong… I curse his wide thighs!”
80. “I get laid despite a crooked face and unsightly warts… The secret is to simply make yourself available.”
81. “Fresh blood from royal dogs, horses and goats is what keeps me going … Don’t diss it until you try it!”
82. “It’s not all that well known but I enjoy regurgitating in other people’s aquariums! I’m also into ‘paint by numbers!’”
83. “When I get bored I go to different banks and lick those courtesy ballpoint pens.”
84. “Women in Hollywood demand equality! We should also be allowed to murder people and get away with it!”
85. “I’m afraid of flying submarines and those trolls with the colourful funky hairdos… Thank God for Valium!”
86. “I can get both knees to my ears! I tell you: that trick comes in handy when I’m bored in my trailer…”
87. “My farts often smell life cupcakes, which many people find both confusing and comforting.”
88. “I like to go out with my girlfriends and get drunk — not get laid — depressed — then we shave each others heads.”
89. “The downside of being me is to look like a drug lord… The upside is rough body cavity searches at airports!”
90. “It was either neurosurgery or acting… Being dumb as a 2-by-4, I figured acting would be my best bet.”
91. “I don’t support the President and I don’t support our troops! I only support causes that involves Vaseline!”
92. “I hope to one day become a real actor! I’m getting pretty tired of being the “sick Australian dude that does all the fecal stuff.”
93. “I would enjoy playing a man, as I used to be one. A man turned woman playing a man… I don’t think that’s ever been done before!”
94. “I was baptized ‘Canoe’ but I changed my name to ‘Sanoe’ because it simple made more sense.”
95. “I’m tired of Los Angeles bars! Talking to underage girls with vomit on their shoes is only interesting for so long…”
96. “Of course the name ‘Sokoloff’ will open a few doors. Especially with producers that are hard of hearing.”
97. “The secret to making friends is to be accepting. As long as you don’t shit on one of my Persian rugs — you are in!”
98. “Stupid press! When I said that I enjoyed kicking ‘chicks’ I meant ‘birds’ not ‘young females’!”
99. “In the music industry is not about who you know… It’s all about who you are willing to do. I do… A lot…”
100. “Success breeds success! I’m unstoppable right now… If I mated with an ugly-arse walrus — it would give birth to a cute seal pup!”

Licking cracker is better is better than licking crack.

1. Isn’t possible that it’s the whining and bitching of friends and family of smokers that really causes their cancerous tumors? It has been proven that stress make chemotherapy treatments less effective — so science should also be able to show that it’s the nagging and bitching of non-smokers that really make “the stinking” bastards die, and not the inhaled smoke itself?
2. If smoke kills people — are we really paying our hardworking, unselfish, and often stunningly buff firemen enough money? Sure, there are masks and oxygen tanks for firefighters, but you don’t have to be a genius to realize that one cheaply-made-Mexican-couch has more toxins in it than a billion cigarettes.
3. People that have ever torched their house know that that firemen won’t put on their masks and oxygen tanks until they have inhaled half-a-cheaply-made-Mexican-couch. How come the handsome firemen buggers aren’t dropping like flies?
4. Of course smokers will have more instances of pneumonia and emphysema than non-smokers… If smokers want a puff, they are forced out on balconies, restaurant entrances and funeral home porches - in mid-January; even if they don’t have their coats available to them.
5. Yes, smokers are dying of all kinds of diseases… Including coronary heart related ones… However, isn’t it possible that it’s all the “ducking and diving” to try to hide their “sick and perverted addiction” from friends and family that’s causing all the problems to begin with? Again, maybe it’s not the “smoke”… Stress is a killer too: ask any doctor!
6. Seriously: smoking a Romeo y Julieta ‘Winston Churchill’ while watching a great hockey game and having your girlfriend (wife) clean your pipe while you make a toast (in XO Cognac) for every goal scored can’t possibly be a cause for a stroke — unless your mother-in-law (to be) walks in on you!

My wife the way I remember her best — not nagging.