Scudfish

1. I promise to finish my 24 oz. slab of medium-rare prime rib whenever I order it.
2. I promise that I won’t share a bottle of Lagavulin with anyone who doesn’t appreciate it.
3. I promise I won’t cover my eyes and step on the gas when someone tries to cut ahead of me at four-way stops (whenever I have kids in the car).
4. I promise I will do my best to try and make it to the toilet before throwing up, whenever I’m channel surfing and happen to see Rosie O’Donnell.
5. I promise I won’t watch a NBA game again next year even though players stop doing drugs and raping women.

Playing Tinky Winky on Teletubbies also gets you ass.

The news of his is death are greatly exaggerated…

1. CNN reported that George W. Bush was sleeping and had no idea that anything was going on… The CIA are a pretty smart bunch… Then again maybe they took the whole day and night off… You know, Christmas, shiny things and eggnog and all…
2. There has been several Saddam sighting already: In a Burger King in Vermont (ordering an extra large order of infidel fries)… Walking the boardwalk in New Orleans and nodding his head in approval of the destruction… He was seen doing Paris Hilton in a limo on they way to yet some other wannabe designer’s party…
3. Right in this moment: Mel Gibson is supposedly sorting out all the evil in the world over a game chess with Mr. Hussein…
4. The end of the world is not here — my Christmas tree is twinkling as bright and colorful as ever…
5. European newspapers are writing: “not ‘hanging’… but ‘banging’…” and showing a picture of a really embarrassed prison guard and the latest soccer scores. They are also making silly remarks about the Republican strangle hold of the press (and the whores of the news media — CNN)…

1. Finding an unexploded New Years Eve rocket in our backyard. (Best) Getting my eyebrows scorched after showing my kids how it would have looked if it would have exploded. (Worst)
2. My favourite strip club gets raided by overzealous law enforcement agencies. (Worst) I wasn’t there the night when my ‘heaven on earth’ came crashing down. (Best)
3. Having a Russian immigrant doctor (with a huge bushy moustache but clearly being straight) perform my vasectomy. (Best) Having the clearly straight Russian immigrant doctor’s 136-year-old great grandmother (nurse) fluff my sack (hopefully…) in preparation of the surgery. (Worst)
4. Having to pay for over-priced propane for the main barbeque of the year. (Worst) Reading in the papers the next day that someone got feed up and torched the guy dispensing the stuff. (Best)
5. Having to take the kids for their swimming lessons when I was seriously hung over. (Worst) The female lifeguards joined in for the water-gym that one particular day. (Best)

He didn’t get laid but she was a fun first date.

1. Spraining my ankle when running away from my friend’s crazy sister after burrying the head that I had accidentally ripped off of her favorite stuffed animal. (1976)
2. Tearing my anterior cruciate ligament. (2005)
3. Seeing Quebec Nordiques being eliminated in the first round of the Stanley Cup playoffs. (1995)
4. Losing all my collected filth and depravity in a hard drive crash. (1999)
5. Seeing John Travolta bumbling his way through Battlefield Earth. (2000)

Tough guy petting.

1. The Holy Church Of Being Genuinely Holier Than Other Holy Churches.
   (T.H.C.O.B.G.H.T.O.V.)
2. The Holy Church Of Shameless Over Drinking And Fornication.
   (T.H.C.O.S.O.D.A.F.)
3. The Holy Church Of Handing Over Your Money Wives Daughters And Pets To Me.
   T.H.C.O.H.O.Y.M.W.D.A.P.T.M.)
4. The Holy Church Of Washing Your Goddamn Hands After Bathroom Visits.
   T.H.C.O.W.Y.G.D.H.A.B.V.)
5. The Holy Church Of Charlize Theron Bending Over To Do The Collection.
   (T.H.C.O.C.T.B.O.T.D.T.C.)

This is why more people love dogs.

1. “It takes balls to kick a grizzly bear in the nuts.”
2. “As exciting as seeing grandma score a point at lawnbowling.”
3. “Having a gun or not is often the difference between ‘cute’ and ‘barbecue’.”
4. “True happiness is finding a great cone!”
5. “Don’t jump into the gorilla cage if you are covered in bananas.”
6. “Flying a kite is not nearly as challenging as flying a piano.”
7. “As pointless as sending mouse droppings in to outer space.”
8. “It’s not necrophilia if she’s made out of plastic.”
9. “It only looks like there are a lot ninjas in Saudi Arabia.”
10. “Mixed emotions is waking up with someone’s dentures stuck on your genitalia.”
11. “Being kicked in the balls hurts more than breastfeeding a starving cheetah.”
12. “Always turn a blind eye to a poorly thrown dart.”
13. “Being forcefully licked by your dog is much more enjoyable than the other way around.”
14. “Don’t tease a polar bear if you are carrying frozen hamburger meat in your pockets.”
15. “Clubbing seal pups is also great exercise.”