Scudfish

1. Midwife and professional wrestler.
2. Gourmet chef and veterinarian.
3. Plummer and confectioner.
4. Dog groomer and jockey.
5. Coal miner and proctologist.

It’s the only fun we had the orphanage.

1. There are large barren areas without any artificial snow where Santa works.
2. There’s a musty petting-zoo-like smell coming from Santa’s sweat-soaked suit. It has also started taking on a greenish hue.
3. Difficult to tell where Santa’s hat ends and where the beard begins, due to numerous and excessive nosebleeds.
4. Santa’s pupils are dilated to the point where they are easily mistaken for those belonging to a reindeer.
5. There’s a sign that says: “Picture with Santa: $2… Blowjob by Santa: $5…”

We were all sickingly cute in 1984.

1. World War XXVI is on!
   Reminder: World War XXVI starts tomorrow at noon. Everyone is encouraged to check the batteries in their phasers.
2. Shopping season starting early.
   ‘The-holiday-formerly-known-as-Christmas’ shopping season is starting to pick up already and the biggest sellers are predicted to be ‘Torture Me Elmo v2.0′, ‘Anabolic man-eating Barbie’ and ‘Twister for mutants’.
3. Smoking never caused cancer!
   It has finally been scientifically proven: smoking never caused cancer. It was all the nagging; whining and bitching that caused the disease.
4. Massacre at PLBA game – 163 dead and 1204 injured.
   The Professional Lawn Bowling Association is again shamed when fans of Vermont Gramps and Maine Hags clashed before the championship game yesterday, in Montpellier. “It was a blood bath: people were going at each other with walkers, crutches and artificial limbs. I have never seen anything like it!” said sheriff Malcolm Smith.
5. Cinnamon buns to be banned?
   Right-wing Christian lobby groups are now looking for the government to ban cinnamon buns. They claim that the baked goods are one of the major enablers of lewd sexual behavior amongst preschoolers.
6. Threat of separation again…
   The 51st. state of United States of McDonald’s is looking for their independence again. “You should never have outlawed toques —It’s friggin’ freezing up here!” (Governor Bob McKenzie of Canada).
7. Ceremony on the White House lawn.
   The last piece of wood in the universe was yesterday rammed through the heart of bum-turned 43rd. President-turned vampire, at a ceremony on the White House lawn.

My screeching ass.

1. When riding the bus to work.
2. When taking your 9-year-old to a Hilary Duff concert.
3. When your wife has dilated to 9 centimeters and has contractions every 43 seconds.
4. When your not so handy neighbor tries to use his cheap circular saw on a 12-by-12 piece of oak wood.
5. When your visiting kinky in-laws are going at it in the room next door, and you are bedridden with a bag of frozen peas on your balls because you have just had a vasectomy.

Whales swimming.

1. Glass Coke bottles.
2. Tubs of “no-brand” vanilla ice cream.
3. Meticulously glued and painted WWII airplane models.
4. Cups of chocolate pudding.
5. Our friend Anders’ sister’s collection of Barbie dolls and decorative boxes.

Dolphins swimming.