Scudfish

1. Interesting looking wallpaper, lampshades and kids.
2. Extra large lipsticks and a lubricant that tastes like salad with light ranch dressing.
3. Novelty t-shirts for their kids that say: “I love my mommy and daddy and their cheque books”.
4. Pair of leather jackets studded with diamond lettering with the words: “King Of Africa” and “Queen Of Africa”.
5. OshKosh baby clothing store franchise and a herd of dairy cows.

Big prick with big prick with big pricks.

1. My dad can’t beat up your dad but he could bitchslap your mother into a coma.
2. My dad can’t beat up your dad but he could set himself on fire and run into your house while you are sleeping.
3. My dad can’t beat up your dad but he could take his fist — no problem.
4. My dad can’t beat up your dad but he could be carrying a Glock.
5. My dad can’t beat up your dad but he could make your dad choke on his own vomit by performing country music tunes.

Surprise is the unexpected — like mommy getting stabbed by two burglars.

1. Olsen twins + Projectile vomiting + New apartment.
2. Tickle Me Elmo + Rape + Penis transplant.
3. Kevin Federline + Sperm + eBay.
4. Britney Spears + Merlot + Children’s hospital.
5. Wayne Gretzky + Coach + Butt plug.
6. Rosie O’Donnell + Jack hammer + Partner.
7. Larry King + Poodles + Vampire.
8. Paris Hilton + Cockroach + Hammer.
9. George W. Bush + Books + Not.

Ugly babies are not ugly — they are goofy looking.

1. Philadelphia Cream Cheese.
2. Jell-o.
3. Tropicana Orange Juice.
4. Knorr’s Bernaise sauce.
5. Oprah clothing line.

Homie giving you some lip.

1. Catching myself smiling and singing along to an upbeat country music tune featuring banjos and yodeling.
2. Finding a post-it note on my desk, with a phone number, a lot of exclamation marks and skulls scribbled on to it, and not remember having penned it down.
3. Opening the toolbox and finding a bloodied hammer and not remembering when I last hurt myself.
4. Lying in my bed panting after having fried and eaten a pound of bacon that was 3 years passed the best before date.
5. Passing out on the couch and waking up to a George W. Bush speech and hearing the words: “Ooops”, “Nucular” and “3 minutes”.

One small jug an two huge jugs.

1. Hockey — Enough is enough… No more lucky Loonies buried at center ice! (God knows they will be needed to pay for the event…) The only way Canada will win the hockey gold again is to bury Wayne Gretzky in the ice instead.
2. Snowboarding — Come one! Canada has more acreage than most European countries combined… Surely Canada can produce enough pot to keep a few skinny snowboarders high long enough to clean up most (if not all) medals?
3. Speed skating — New rule! After each completed lap, the skaters have to chug half a case of beer and knit a toque.
4. Bobsled/Luge/Skeleton — These sports need to be made more challenging! Start the clock: the competitors have to build their own sled out of potatoes before taking it down the run… Half the population of Prince Edward Island could medal at these new and improved events!
5. Biathlon — Skiing and shooting black dots is for sissies… Two more stations should be added where the skiers need to bathe and shampoo Grizzly bears, which have been covered in Maple syrup and poutine.

Retardation causes happiness as you don’t know any better.