Scudfish

1. When grocery shopping he will occasionally “zone out” and lovingly fondle a cantaloupe, grapefruit or melon (or a carrot, cucumber or zucchin…) all while having a angelic smile on his face.
2. While sleeping/dreaming he will often call out in panic: “My sister taught me that!” — “My mom bought it for me!” — “The lady at the grocery store did that to me!” — “My hair dresser must have nicked it by accident!” — “The waitress must have shaved my pubes when I dozed off while having a latte the other day!”
3. His bed’s headboard is getting more and more claw marks on it, even though you keep your nails short, and he doesn’t own a cat, dog and koala.
4. He might accidentally call you by the wrong name (e.g. Rita Angelita-Rosa Lopez) or nickname (e.g. My tiny little Mexican taco).
5. After not seeing each other for a week: He might ask what happened to all your piercings and tattoos (even though you never had any…)
6. For Christmas he promises to get you a fur coat, but when you open the box you find a present that doesn’t make any sense at all: a rubber outfit, adult diapers, whips and a gasmask… And he explains it away as a “mix-up at the store” and promises to have them exchanged (if he can…)
7. His neighbours will all of a sudden start pointing at you, and whispering behind your back. Some might even give you a thumbs-up, applaud, or discreetly ask if you charge by the hour.
8. And more: Waiters at your favourite restaurant will high-five him, or ask for his autograph — He finds the remote without having to call the front desk in a motel he has never stayed in before — In all the bars, the bartenders insist on calling you guys “Mr. Smith” and “Rita Angelita-Rosa Lopez” — Sales clerks in jewellery stores make a “ka-ching” sound in unison as soon as he walks in.

Soon to be a dead punk.

1. I have found a woman who worships me like God, and I will call her as soon as you pack up your filthy muck and get your arse out on the street.
2. It took a while for me to realize that you are gradually turning in to your mother, and I really hate her.
3. My belly button lint and toenail clippings are more fascinating to explore than to spend any more time with you.
4. Last night while sipping champagne in a Jacuzzi with 14 professional nubile contortionists, I realized what I have missed out on when being with you.
5. You make me happy, and you revitalize my soul when you stay far, far, faaar away from me, and when I don’t have listen to your mindless cackling.
6. It’s not you… it’s me… and my secret lover “Big Bill”.
7. Our relationship would only work if you were in prison. This way I could continue bedding every woman I meet without having to be stressed out about getting caught.

Searching for a well-hung boyfriend.

1. Antacids now needed — all day long!
2. Have a grease stain in your crotch — all day long!
3. Work on your heart disease — all day long!
4. Homeless people can now look for half-eaten McMuffins to feed their dogs — all day long!
5. Cure for constipation is now available — all day long!

Talking breakfast.

1. It is much easier to snap toilet paper with the flick of a wrist when it’s front-rolled as there will be resistance when the paper is brought up to 63-degree angel. A back-rolled paper toll will have turn for at least 3/4 of a lap before reaching the snapping angle, but by that time the roll will have momentum, and will simply keep spinning.
2. Nothing is nastier than finding am offensive message written on the paper after you have sat yourself down. At least with front-rolled paper you have a chance to catch it because it’s right there, but with back-rolled paper you don’t stand a chance.
3. At fancy hotels the cleaning ladies will always fold your toilet paper in to a nice nib in the front — yes, in the front! In many East European hotels they also place a nice piece of beef jerky in to the folds… How would that be possible if the paper went down the back?
4. Try to find a toilet paper holder with a built in paper cutter that works with paper coming down the back — there isn’t one!
5. If you travel outside Alabama, you will eventually discover that some toilet paper has designs on them… How are you supposed be able to admire these designs if the paper hangs down behind the roll?

Dreaming about becoming a bomber pilot.

1. Sitting down on a hedge trimmer.
2. Riding an angry bull.
3. Vomiting.
4. Getting eaten by a shark.
5. Tearing your anterior cruciate ligament when falling off a high ladder on to some unfinished stairs, with screws and nails sticking out of the planks. Especially when you don’t have any shoes on even though your wife has nagged you for hours to put some on…

My mama is a huge bitch.