Scudfish

1. Chef — Machete + Fire extinguisher + Clay Aiken CD.
2. Grandma — Stuffed poodle + Leash + Bag of Jelly Beans.
3. Grandpa — Fudge + More fudge + Viagra.
4. Teenage boy — Roll of quarters + Tub of Vaseline + Flashlight.
5. Neighbour — Zippo lighter + Cigars + Stick of dynamite.
6. Wife — Bag of turnips + Rope + Swimming lessons.
7. Ex-wife — French cheese + French rat poison + French cookbook.
8. Kids — Toboggan + Super glue + Helmet.
9. Husband — Beef jerky + Wheat beer + Soft toilet paper.
10. Teenage girl — Halter top + Bellybutton jewellery + Mace.

In our relationship she broughtt a lot to the table.

1. Work — Twice the amount of sweat pants, socks, and old stained t-shirts for her to pick up and wash.
2. Money — Two sets each of: power tools, playboy subscriptions, Laz-E-boy recliners, TV remote controls, BBQs, cigar smoking poker nights, ex-girlfriends and mistresses, cars, and the list just goes on.
3. Anguish — Two extremely agitated men in the house when she has her period or one of those untimely headaches.
4. Time — Twice the amount of “we need to talk” sessions about all the things she would like to have changed or done — but doesn’t happen anyway.
5. Chemicals — Twice the amount of Lysol in the bathroom, bedroom and den.
6. Nitrates — Twice the amount of beef jerky, salami and salted hams for her to carry home from the grocery store.
7. Family — Two sets of mother in laws…
8. Hard labour — Twice the amount of old gym bags for her to sterilize or bury in the backyard.
9. Irritants — Twice the amount of nagging, pleading, crying, bitching, moaning and groaning about things the husbands consider to be “insignificant shit” anyway.

Missing girlfriend.

1. Tobogganing is a fun winter activity that is great exercise at the same time… Push your husband in to a toboggan, and tie him to it. Pull him too, and up a big hill (he fighting to get out of the restraints will be a great warm-up for him!) Once you get him up there, aim him away from home and kick him down the hill — his weight should take him a great distance. His weight should also ensure that the toboggan will break when it hits a tree, rock or what have you — thus releasing his restraints… Without a shadow of a doubt he will be furious, which will ensure a brisk, calorie burning walk home for him.
2. Skating is fantastic as it exercises your whole body. Lace you husband up when he is taking a nap! Tie him to a long rope, and wait for a large truck to come by your house and attach the other end of the rope to it… Do make sure that your husband can be dragged through the house, and on to the street unobstructed! It can be quite painful getting pulled through some French doors, over a hot stove, and through a bay window. He should have hours of calorie burning fun skating behind the truck before getting discovered.
3. There is nothing more exciting and fast paced as luge! Unfortunately luge doesn’t burn all that many calories: unless you can make someone go up the track instead of sliding down it! Get your husband on a sleigh at the bottom of the course, and cover him from head to toe in bacon grease (tell him it’s a treat!) and then release some hungry Rottweilers… He will make it to the top of the course, and burn thousands, upon thousands of calories in the process!

Suck on my lip.

1. Nut TV — The wondrous world of nuts, and all the beautiful ways they can be prepared and consumed. I bet you didn’t know that there is actually a nut that should be snorted?
2. Egg Channel — There’s nothing more versatile than eggs! There are millions of uses for eggs in cooking, arts and crafts, home decoration, sex games and professional sports.
3. Fold TV — Different ways of folding ‘flat things’ in to ‘useful things’ should surely inspire everyone to find ways to improve the world?
4. Salami Vision — Did you know that there are over 10,000 different salamis in the world? There are also a quarter of a billion ways in which way they can be sliced, rolled and folded… A channel like this would keep people on their toes for decades!
5. Mystery Smell TV — Would teach you everything you would ever need to know about smells! Be it from picking up that perfect bottle of East Timor wine, finding buried corpses in your neighbour’s backyards or identifying people based on their cell scrapings.

Bird and shithead.

1. If you have ever tried to help a 4-year-old with a grape-sized nose blow his or her nose, you know that it’s almost impossible to get a good grip on it. A big honker will save you so much time, and Kleenexes, as it can be squeezed, twisted and turned with ease.
2. Any parent who has lost a kid in a mall knows how difficult it can be to describe their little one to the service desk, as all kids under the age of seven look alike. But big-nosed kids are rare! If they would ever get lost you should be able to get them back in no time at all as everyone notices big honkers, especially on children.
3. You will never have the stress of finding your kids a scary, or funny costume for Halloween. With some paint and a little bit of imagination, a huge nose can be turned in to almost anything!
4. Big honkers means huge nostrils… Do you have any idea how many kids shove peas, Lego and screws up their little noses? Most kids end up in the doctor’s office 2-3 times a year having something removed from up there. You will never have that problem with big-nosed kids if you just keep them away from golf balls, potatoes and granite drill bits.
5. Toilet training your kids is a piece of cake! Some kids simply can’t tell if they have “gone” or not… But you don’t have that problem with big-nosed kids as their noses will always be closer — to everything!

Looking for owners who enjoy having their ears nibbled.