Scudfish

1. Bow and arrow — “They are completely useless! You can’t even kill a parrot with this junk. Believe me; I have tried many times to no avail.”
2. Flamethrower — “It’s a toy! I didn’t ask for a toy… I hoped to propel fire over great distances. This stupid toy only makes a slight buzzing sound. Tried to torch my school with that thing and ended up looking like a retard!”
3. Globe — “I never asked for one! I asked for a map: showing where my dad hides his collection of “Fat Asses”, “Mega Boobs” and “Goat Watersports” magazines.”
4. Magic Tricks Set — “Take it back! I asked for mental powers that enable mind reading, levitation and invisibility; not how to learn stupid card tricks. The only thing I got from the set was a massive headache trying to levitate the very thin instruction manual.”
5. Moose — “Getting this stuffed animal doesn’t make any sense at all… I did however ask for a noose because I want to hang things. I believe this to be complete cock-up on your part. Fix it!”

Ax u ownly won tajm — gimma all u monne.

1. Moved the lemon grater from the topmost kitchen drawer to the third one.
2. Placed yesterday’s newspaper and some cardboard in the recycling bin.
3. Almost did a somersault when stepping on my son’s fire truck.
4. Found a great piece of salami that I didn’t remember buying.
5. Sat down on the couch and admired my new socks.

Trying hard to be a scary zombie.

1. Maria — Hoped to one day get lucky and get to shave her head.
2. Agnes — One of the most amazing women I ever dated: she was great with her hands and it was easy to ignore her nagging. She being deaf was not a handicap: it was a bonus!
3. Catherine — She was a contortionist and we complemented each other! I reached for things on shelves that were up high and she took care of the lower ones.
4. Beatrice — Her sister was slutty too!
5. Steff — She could dance! And whenever I needed to buy some smokes I simply fished out a few dollar bills out of her thong.

 Lycra and Kevlar keeps her decent.

1. Esc key.
2. Enter key.
3. Page Up key.
4. Letter “B” key.
5. Caps Lock key.

Keeping my sandwich butter-side up.

1. No, there is nothing you can eat to make your penis bigger… If this were the case, it would be to the most expensive sustenance (if not substance) on the planet.
2. No, there are no exercises that will increase your penis size… If this were the case, all men would look like Arnold Schwarzenegger in his steroid prime, but still be hung like toy poodles — just like him.
3. No, comparing yourself to guys that swing their stump of broccoli for a living in adult movies, is never a good idea: they were handpicked for their special talents and abilities. You should compare yourself to police officers, politicians (except Bill Clinton who supposedly is hung like a walrus) and catholic priests, if you want to feel better about your penis size.
4. Yes, there are surgical procedures that can be performed in order to improve on the size of your penis. Any plastic surgeon will be able to refer to you the right place. However, I would imagine that you would have to be pretty desperate to have a doctor with a hangover and scalpel around your little buddy… One bad S-N-I-P and you will be one E short of a whole P-E-N-I-S.
5. Yes, the locker room can be a humbling place! But instead of wasting time trying to figure out the advanced trigonometry behind viewing angles, and optical illusions: why not just use the locker room for its intended purpose? Meaning, have a quick shower and then get the heck out of there as quickly as possible? Unless you can figure out trigonometry in your head, or be allowed to bring out your ruler: you will only bey straining your eyes, which might also result in a beating.
6. Yes, live with it.

Girlriend — soon to be ex-boyfriend.