Scudfish

1. The Moose — Drops like a moose that has been shot with a .50 calibre slug through both lunges from a mere 30 feet away.
2. The Squirrel — Flips through the air like a squirrel falling off a tree and hitting the windshield of a speeding Ferrari (most likely driven my Ottawa Senators’ Dany Heatley).
3. The Rib — Slowly sliding down the boards like a 24 ounce slab of Prime Rib would slide off a greasy plate.
4. The Swan — Tumbling and circling to the ground like a swan dying from old age — all while making heart-wrenching “kraah-gnaah” screeching sounds.
5. The Snowman — Head slides to the side, then collapses under his own weight like a mid-March snowman.

My dad and my new mom.

1. Jerk — Anything he touches slowly turns in to beef jerky.
2. Dog — He can reach any part of his body with his tongue.
3. Snow — He easily turns pure white snow into yellow toxic snow.
4. Jet — He can squirt lime Jell-O over great distances with his man boobs.
5. Kim — She can shape-shift into Korean leader Kim Jong-il at will.

If you eat me, you also eat my diaper.

1. ihaveapenisforanyonebetween12and99.com
2. willdoanyonewhoisnottoofreakylooking.com
3. dontcareifyouareagrandmaaslongasyoubend.com
4. lookingforafemaletomarryasissymalecouldworktoo.com
5. bringyourselfiwillbringtheroofies.com

I peed on your carpet a little bit.

1. Chicken producers.
2. Goat herders.
3. Sheep ranchers.
4. Pig farmers.
5. Donkey breeders.

Stomp my head or give me catnip.

1. Angry pet head — Curses loudly in Polish when shot with a BB gun.
2. Clean pet foot — Does dolphin tricks and feeds on my brother’s aquarium fish.
3. Soft pet hand — Especially nice to me in the bath and at bedtime.
4. Huge pet butt — Farts on command and isn’t afraid of fire.
5. Hairy pet back — Morphs in to Chewbacca whenever I want to play Star Wars.

Soon to be a smooth pussy.

1. Schoolgirl with unshaven legs and a 20 inch green Mohawk.
2. Pizza delivery guy with a limp and strange skin disorder.
3. Disease-ridden Indian panhandler.
4. Nurse with a beard and steel-tipped boots.
5. Village idiot who throws feces on anyone who makes a startling sound.

We demand virgins before out afterlives.