Scudfish

1. Never talk to her about other strippers; especially how much hotter they are and what they have done for you. You picked her yourself — live with it! She will only come to despise you if you try to make her feel inadequate.
2. No strippers want scratch marks and bruises — wear soft pants! Most strippers agree that khakis, corduroy and sweat pants are the most comfortable. It’s also well established that metal studded lederhosen are a definite ‘no-no’.
3. Great strippers make a lot of money — so, don’t pay them in quarters, nickels and dimes. The more popular strippers wouldn’t be able to carry home their loot if everyone paid them in coins. Help them save their backs by using bills only!
4. Accidental flatulence on her part should simply be ignored. No need to embarrass her with comments such as, “Good one!”, “Rock On!” and “Niiice!”. Give her the same courtesy as you would to the co-workers you share a cubicle with.
5. Don’t try and help by clapping your hands if your lap-dancing stripper is too stoned to keep up with the beat of the music: it will just confuse her and make it worse. Humming the lyrics is acceptable if you are familiar with the song.
6. If you are a gum chewer: stick to the chewing part only! There’s no need to blow bubbles in a strip club, you can do that at home. Accidents do happen and it’s extremely painful to comb out sticky gum in sensitive areas.
7. Tipping after a lap dance is not necessary unless she has shared her roast beef sandwich with you, or if you accidentally sneezed on her.
8. There’s no need for smart remarks if a stripper tries to pull a pair of skid-marked panties over your head. A simple, “Thanks… but no thanks!” and blaming an allergy of some sort is more polite and productive.
9. Never refer to a stripper as, “Ho!”, “Bitch!” or “Slut!” unless of course one of them by a million-to-one chance actually happens to be her actual name.
10. Never smile and give the “thumbs-up” to other customers of the establishment when a stripper is all over you. One of the other guys there might be her psychotic boyfriend…
11. If she trips and knocks out a few teeth on the corner of your table — please, don’t expect her to finish the whole set. It’s common practice that the song in progress is the only one that needs to be completed when something unforeseeable happens.
12. If you discover, after asking a stripper to dance for you, that she is in fact an old girlfriend (but now with a much bigger rack) that you have dumped: don’t cry! Simply go to the men’s room and bash your head against the wall like everyone else.
13. If you happen to notice a misspelled tattoo on her body — don’t bother pointing it out… She is a stripper… not an English Major! Besides, most people who frequent strip joints think that “Mommy” is spelled “Mummy” any way.

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