Scudfish

1. Women are not so bad once you the humongous monkey called “virginity” off your back. Most of them are actually quite pleasant, and when you have dated one for a while, you will only get spanked if you first do something extraordinarily nice for her.
2. Getting handcuffed and whipped senseless is probably the easiest courtship you will ever have to endure. A pair of burning buttocks is much less painful than hours of mindless small talk in a smelly bar.
3. When having an affair with someone at the office: tidy the stock room before any romantic encounters! Sitting down on a staple gun is extremely painful, so is removing packing tape from a hairy back, and untangling paperclips from furry sensitive areas.
4. Wear lederhosen if romantic encounters in public places are your thing! This garment will come off and on very quickly, and have over centuries been proven very successful in Europe and Central Asia.
5. Finally a tip for guys suffering from PE (Premature Ejaculation): focus on something horrific, such as pink ponies being napalmed while snoozing in a beautiful pasture. Scenes like this should make any guy last long enough to satisfy even the most demanding woman, unless he is a complete psychopath.

A pussy Ferrari race car driver.

1. Being forcefully licked by a dog when trying to make sweet love to your woman.
2. Speedball bag that makes a faint meowing sound every time it’s hit.
3. Seeing a cute Chinese girl working really hard at sucking pork dumplings through a straw.
4. Getting a horrible skin condition after getting bitten by a zombie.
5. Knowing that all the people in the world are jumping up and down at the same time.

The ugly and the pretty conjoined twins.

1. Time spent sitting in horror before you realize your giant plasma TV is not broken… It’s just the kids who have been watching scrambled porn again.
2. Moments you waste in the morning after starting your car; figuring out that the “burning engine smell” is simply the McDonald’s garbage from the week before.
3. The scant few seconds required by your brain to compute and to tell your lunges and vocal chords to produce a girlish squeal after getting your penis caught in a zipper.
4. Waking up period when you again find yourself naked in a car wash, all covered in wax and slowly remembering the LSD binge you have been on.
5. Very silent times after sex when you are so consumed by the need to pee that you don’t remember that your partner wants to hear: “I love you!”

A friend will always lend you an ear.

1. As she has buns of steel, the only furniture she needs is a wooden stake to sit on — leaving you with more money to spend on a top-of-the-line La-Z-Boy.
2. She can give you a piggyback ride home when you get ‘pissed-faced’ drunk at the local pub.
3. You will like all men inevitably choke on a quail — if you have a bodybuilding wife, she will be able to give you a really wicked Heimlich Maneuver.
4. Salt is good… And when you are really desperate, she will be able to open up the most stubborn of pistachio nuts.
5. Nobody will pick a fight with you when your are out drinking with your “hairy, freaky-looking buff brother”.
6. When you need to move something that’s too heavy to be safely moved by only two people — she can do it all by herself.

One alien and one predator.

1. Caviar.
2. Corn dogs.
3. Lobster.
4. Cabbage.
5. Jelly beans.

Distracting from the hole.