Scudfish

1. Tap dancers.
2. Dog groomers.
3. Balloonists.
4. Masseuses.
5. Dudes with stained Metallica t-shirts that work at gas stations.

1. My Bush Is Like A Ford Pinto (Always On Fire).
2. It’s A Sign From God (Or A Gravy Stain In Your Briefs).
3. Tell A Preacher If You Can (You Dirty Sheep).
4. I See Satan And His Demons (Every Time You Bend Over).
5. Love Thy Brother (They Way You Bob For Apples).

1. Oysters are king! However, do wear gloves when shucking them! Nothing worse than being in a state of extreme arousal and having a deep laceration from a blunt oyster knife.
2. Supposedly Colgate toothpaste between a man’s toes will keep him “alert” for a very long time — it will also make his feet smell minty fresh! This however takes foresight as the toothpaste will take between 2 to 3 hours to take effect, but when it does… Oh, boy…
3. Sneaky women in parts of Africa (and more recently Japan and China) use a perfume (Swinkala) made with Marula fruit, fermented goat urine and spices. It is believed that the Swinkala will when placed on a woman skin increase the effect of her pheromones.
4. In many countries it’s believed that lying under the bed where it will all “happen”, and rubbing yourself all over with a ripe cantaloupes will do wonders for both parties.
5. Use cucumbers! No, not as marital aids, but as way to balance the fluids in your body. Men’s libido is often boosted by simply taken care of dehydration and hunger. Quickly eating 8 to 9 cucumbers will keep some men going for hours.

Only with a hammer can it be efficiently silenced.

1. Calista Flockhart.
2. Winona Ryder.
3. Lindsay Lohan.
4. Lara Flynn Boyle.
5. The Olsen Twins.

1. Teen pregnancy + ‘My Little Pony’ + Czechoslovakia.
2. Insurgents + Diarrhea + Undercooked goat meat.
3. Cat litter + Ballet + Hash brownies.
4. Flamethrower + Grandmother + Thanksgiving dinner.
5. Fur balls + George W. Bush + Nipple twisting.

1. Sand paper.
2. Salad spinner.
3. Ping-pong ball.
4. Toilet plunger.
5. Tampon.

One of the side effects of bountiful consumption of alcoholic beverages is a dizzy spell, and there is nothing you can do to avoid them. What you can do however is to avoid the damaging consequences of them. There are a few things you can do to avoid toppling over:

1. A sturdy walker will keep you upright at all times. The initial investment might seem a bit high, but it will pay for itself very quickly with the money you will be saving in broken china and French doors.
2. Walking is overrated! With a bit of practice you will be able to crawl faster than when transporting yourself in an upright position. The forward momentum might not be as high as when walking, but you will be able to make it from point A to B in a straight line.
3. Get a large dog such as a St. Bernard, Rottweiler or Mastiff that you can hold on to. These dogs are also very strong and can be trained to drag you to the bed if you become unconscious, or fall asleep somewhere where you shouldn’t have.

A bald supper.

1. Teaches us geography.
2. Great benefit concerts.
3. All-you-can-eat lobster dinner fundraisers.
4. People have learned how to spell something they didn’t know existed.
5. Keeps George Clooney busy when he’s not filming or giving another young Hollywood wannabe actress herpes.
6. Distracts us from other humanitarian disaster in the world that were bringing us down: Northern Uganda, Thai/Burma border, North Korea, Southern Africa AIDS epidemic and the beer prices in Stockholm, Sweden.