Scudfish

1. Spaghetti.
2. Jell-o.
3. Pantyhose.
4. Stalk of rhubarb.
5. Q-Tip.

Drinking milk and shitting yourself is sex to some people.

1. Empty out a box of Cheerios on the kitchen floor — count ”Os” while blindfolded.
2. Cut down a cedar tree in the nude and crawl all over it.
3. Microwave some “Macaroni & Cheese” for 12 minutes, then put your fingers in it.
4. Bash your head against a brick wall to the beat of Green Day’s ‘Platypus’.
5. Have your nipples pierced by a drunk down at the pub.

Focus on your make-up when you pretend to care about things you don’t understand.

1. Lassie — “The mentally stable Collie that doesn’t arbitrarily turn around and bite small children!”
2. Lassie — “Timmy is in the goddamn well again!”
3. Lassie — “The dog that never poops, or licks herself in “no-no” places!”
4. Lassie — “Bigger, badder and with rabies!”
5. Lassie — “The bitch is back!”

We all wore black squares in the 1970’s.

1. “I hate to tell you; grandpa was jailed last month for molesting pieces of fruit.”
2. “Ok, that will be $19.57… We can also have everyone here spit on your pizzas for an additional charge of only $2.00.”
3. “She can’t take your call right now as she’s in the bathroom with brutal diarrhea.”
4. “You didn’t hear? Dad was maimed by a giant panda yesterday morning!”
5. “I’m sorry, Steve is not here right now — he’s down at the clinic getting his weekly syphilis shots.”

Her polyester armpits smelled like Satan’s farts also.

1. Big Mac.
2. Omelet.
3. Pecan Pie.
4. Spaghetti Bolognese.
5. Cannoli.

Not a stinky Mexican with a big rifle.